Confessions Of My Heart (Part 2)

Here I come up with my second part finally ! 

(Part 2)

"I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,

in secret, between the shadow and the soul."

        Time passes by and only memories remain. Memories are like story books and when we have quiet moments or moments of introspection and reflection that we allow them to catch up with us. I too, do the same but this is confined to only a particular set of memories; as only they have the power to stir my soul and make me feel vulnerable, yet I cannot do anything to relieve them. It's not that I've not tried, but the more I try the difficult it becomes for me to let go or maybe I do not want to let go, as they are the very basis of my existence; and I cannot even in the wildest of my dreams block them away, though in reality I try to avoid and block her as much as I can, by not only hurting her but my own self. 

        Four years ! A pretty long time to not talk to someone close. It really requires courage to maintain a calm demeanor and a tough exterior when your a mess inside; searching for answers, when you know that a certain someone holds them, that only they have the key to unlock your heart and free you from the shackles that bind you but yet you avoid them. It's been quite a time since I mused over this and the smile that tugged my lips faded into the oblivion. 

       The sun was still tugged in it's niche. It was an early Sunday morning, the wind was chilly and the weather cold. The dew was still intact on the leaves as I headed towards the beach. The shore was calm unlike my insides where things were not at all tranquil. The water gleamed and the gentle waves were bobbing up and down; being weekend there was not a single soul in sight probably people are busy catching sleep after a hectic week but I couldn't even do that and be in peace. At that moment all I wanted to do was make my way back into the woods where these thoughts would be far away from my mind so that I could contemplate my actions and justify my reasons as, Solitude is not always the solution to all your problems but at times it helps you escaping them ! But my feet refused to budge and finally I gave in and settled on the sand, eyeing the sea. The soft and gentle wind blew transporting me back and I was forced to open the closed doors of my heart.

      Life at most times had not been easy, but I had to toil and pave my way through the hardships, stay away from my loved ones to achieve things and make a place for myself in this world where losing is easy but gaining far more difficult. There have been days when sleep was far away as I had to complete my tasks; I had to do so, I couldn't run away from my responsibilities, no matter how much I wanted to take a break and breath freely. 

       It was not love at first sight for me, in-fact I didn't realize my love for her until a long time as I never really believed in love; come to think of it I'm still clueless as to when did she make a place in my heart? I remember vividly, how she never really talked to me and only gave me a shy smile and stammer while talking to me despite being a boisterous and a talkative girl, famous for her ignorance on small things and her sly smile. Some people mistook her ignorance as her naivety but somehow I couldn't as I found her to be a bit shrewd and audacious with a pinch of innocence. I was friends with her but the more I got to know her, the more I tried not going near her as I feared loosing myself in her. I being one of the most sought after guys, a heartthrob; I never really did pay attention to girls in that sense; but I was drawn to her slowly and steadily. She was a simple girl with a simple lifestyle yet she seemed to capture my heart and soul. But all was good in my world until after one year when she contacted me again, and since then life has been a roller coaster ride for me. 

       As now I saw a different girl in front of me, who had build up courage and would now talk casually to me like all my other friends. But then call it destiny or something else that is done deliberately she sneaked under my radar and was slowly getting under my skin. She always used to question me, why do I have a protective wall around me? Why am I a mystery, not that mysteries are not good but she seemed to mean something else like she was hoping to find some answers as in an unsolved riddle. What was even more shocking was that she never left those questions hanging but was in the quest to find those answers; in the hope to know me or rather her own self. It was not she who was vulnerable to me, but I was to her, she never realized perhaps I never did show. I tried hurting her, avoiding her and et al. but she persisted even that. How so badly I wanted to hold her then and speak my heart but then I just couldn't do so. I could not let her know how she affects me nor could I display the real me and my true feelings to her; and as time passed by, after trying for long, she gave in and let me go and I was free.

      But the question still lingers; am I truly free? Am I not hers and she mine? Has she really let me go? I choose to not search for these answers and leave it to time and destiny to take the decision, and this time I will accept it; though it means I've to let go and open up to her as my real self, there was no resisting anymore. 

" I love you only because it's you the one I love;

I hate you deeply and hating you.

Bend to you, and the measure of my 

changing love for you,

Is that I do not see you but 

love you blindly."

              

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With this ends my 2nd part...Hope you like it, please give your honest reviews both comments and criticism. 

Link to Next Part: Interlude 1

-Fatima