Is Honesty Overrated?

Ever noticed you were all independent and didn't wish to be dependent on others? The reason, you knew some people don't really care or they will leave you all alone when you need them. And then a certain someone comes along and everything in your life rejuvenates. They make you feel loved, cherished and cared for. You start thinking of them as your one true friend and then you realise. It was all just a lie.

Good morning Toastmaster of the day and fellow seekers. Memories, they are like time machines, taking us to places once known. I have always been an extrovert. Someone who doesn't have trouble striking up a conversation with strangers. I could meet you today smile at you and be myself with no ulterior motive. So let me rewind and take you a few years back in time. I was a good friend..fun to be with, loyal honest and partner in crime. I still am. But I was too innocent and trusting then. 

This is a conversation between Apurva someone who is my best friend from class 6th and me. We are currently in our first year of graduation nearing May.

Apurva: Hi Fatima. How are you?

Me: Hii apurva,  I'm good. How are you? 

Apurva: I'm good too. Hey listen the reason I called you is me and Neha are meeting up for lunch so thought of asking you too. 

Fatima: Err actually I have exams in a weeks time but I could join you guys for one hour max. 

Apurva: Excuses! God knows why we were expecting something from you. And hung up the phone. 

And I kept on wondering I didn't reject did I?  So what happened?

Needless to say we did meet that day and that was the last time. It left me thinking what wrong did I do? Was it a crime to be honest and that too with your bestie. What was the point in me taking out time and going to meet when it was supposed to be the end of our more than 7 years of friendship.

The answer came to me. It was the honesty that made me drift away from my friends or maybe as I now look at it, so called friends. It was this blunt nature of mine that actually left me alone and with a void. Too much of mind flipping drama i tell you ! And so I started weaving lies to hide my pain. 

Creating a web of illusory events where I was the reason my friends left me, eventually making a brilliant fiction that could win an Oscar or at least an IIFA Award. And all because I started believing honesty was overrated.

But deep down I knew relationships cannot survive on lies. That it was time to stop lying to myself that the people I hung out with truly cared. It was time to accept the moment I am honest with them, they walk away. And not because I was honest but because they were never.

It was almost like I did not have the right to be myself. You know friends there is a saying, 

'There comes a time when you have to stop crossing oceans for people who wouldn't even jump puddles for you.' And the moment I accepted that life gifted me people who are worth it. Who were genuine, who didn't shy away from the truth, both listening and telling.

People say being too honest can break relationships, but I say it doesn't rather it makes them. It was then I realised honesty is not overrated. What matters is can you handle the truth. So friends what will you do next? The next time you face a situation where you want to be honest but your mind and heart say hey if you be honest here, your friends might not understand and it will backfire. What will you do? 

Many a times you might compromise and not tell the truth. But be true to yourself, don't hesitate please be honest. If you have a true friend, a true lover they will understand and the relation will become strong but not break.

-Fatima

Mon Amie

We are so foolish, so utterly naive that when someone is good to us, we feel they are the sunshine after rain. Red, orange, green, blue like the colours of the rainbow. And no; no talking about lovers and crushes or someone you're simply attracted to. This is someone you think of as a friend. It is important to be a friend before anything else.

Leap of faith, liking someone and expecting them to reciprocate; that's love. But what about friendship? Do we expect there or cease expectations the moment we befriend. What about wanting to be surprised by an unselfish gesture is it too much to ask, from a very close friend? It's all a twisted labyrinth of strewn hopes and dwindling emotions.  All you wished for was a moment of companionship, sometimes it's too much to ask and other-times it's all you need.

-Fatima

Image Source: http://favim.com/image/419029/

walking on air

There is so much to write so much to express but I just don't have words. So, I'm just gonna pen down some moments, they are always small moments that make me happy I do not need big things to brighten up my day.

So without further ado, here are the ones that made my day today :D

1. Theory exams got over yesterday and I breathed a sigh of relief, happy that the piles of notes and books have finally vanished from sight !

2. Not that I haven't had cutting chai before but today for the first time had it on a typical chai stall, the kind of one they show on television where the poor beaten down hero goes to drink tea and mourns for his lover but I wasn't gloomy, I was happy and with a friend :D

3. A friend, a special friend called me for the first time today making me jump and even making me forget I had sprained my ankle sometime back. Good thing, the sprain is gone and since then I'm more happy happy..kisi k nazar na lage ;)

4. Felt someone close..too close today whose far away, well neither we spoke nor did we meet but something happened or rather saw something !

5. Talked to my sis on skype, video chat and did all sorts of antics we could possibly do..hehe

6. Last but not the least, I activated my FB account yesterday after almost 3 long months :D

Woo Hoo...all in all 14th December, 2012 was one of the awesomest (if that's even a word) day! Thank you Allah for making it memorable and even the people in my life :)

Have a great day folks!

-Fatima

a handful of memories...

Ah! I don't believe I've come this far. When I began writing I had no idea I would write so much that someday I will have my own personal blog and moreover I will be writing a 100th  post. If, someone had told me earlier I would have termed that person insane. Basically reason being I never had faith in my writing nor did others around me had. In fact people who knew me before I began writing were shocked that I can even put two and two words together and create something meaningful. Then again, there came people in my life who had faith in me and my writing and somewhere I owe this 100th post to them.

For me, this isn't really a day for celebration coz one of the most important  person in my life, who had faith in me and my writings and who encouraged me not just to write but everywhere is not in my life. We have parted ways to be very truthful, it's none other than my soul-searched friend to whom I had even dedicated a poem here, but then again situations arise and people walk away and we have to live with that or rather learn to live.

If I'm honest to myself this was one and maybe the only person I ever wrote for. I even planned on quitting writing but somehow I couldn't and the reason being I still write for this person. There are a lot of happy memories and moments, unfulfilled wishes and dreams and most importantly what I shared with this person. I realized if, I let go of my writing I'll let go of myself the little bit of me left completely and I don't think that's fair. I know it won't affect my friend anymore but I wanna think maybe it might, call it denial or madness or just a reason to write, I'm writing and I'll continue till I can.

I even know, this person my friend will maybe never come to my blog again but I wish him a very happy life ahead and I hope his dreams are fulfilled. And that wherever he is at the moment and will be tomorrow may my prayers and my good wishes reach him.

One more thing, before I end I didn't know this was gonna be my 100th post and so I'll post the shayri I had originally intended to post, it is a sad one but nowhere related to this post..just a random poem in urdu, sad but I'm just unable to pen something happy happy at the moment.

Naa jaana meine ye kya hua?
Naa jaanu mei ye kaise hua?
ek pal tha tu...
aur dusre pal hua juda..
dil mera toda tune..
aur ashk meine palkon pe sajae..
saath hai na tu mere..
phir bhi yeh dil sirf tujhe hi kyu chahe ?

I do not want to end on a sad note but I really do not think I can end on a happy note, apart from the fact that it's Diwali and I wish all my readers a Safe and a Happy Diwali :)

-Fatima 

confessions of my heart: interlude 1

This is an interlude to a story written long back! Confessions of My Heart. I've been meaning to conjure this up since a long time but finally got this together.

The story is a divided into three parts and can be found here, and somehow the interludes basically occur  after chap 2 as chap3 in the end of this series...complicated?? I hope not :)

Confessions Of My Heart: Part 1
Confessions Of My Heart: Part 2
Confessions Of My Heart: Part 3

Confessions Of My Heart: Interlude 1

I finally asked you to dance
On the last slow song
Beneath that moon that was really a disco ball
I can still feel my head on your shoulder
And hoping that song would never be over

The sun sank behind the hilltops and the dark veil gradually began settling at eventide. The fragrance of the wet soil from the rain shower earlier was wafting in the chilly air. He was sitting on his bed idly crooning the song playing on his music player. His fingers adeptly moved along the strings of his guitar and the freshly brewed coffee lay neglected on the nightstand. It was a rather quite night with nothing much to do and he let himself immerse in the memories of her.  

I haven't seen you in ages
Sometimes I find myself
Wondering where you are

It was long since he last saw her though he thought of her on daily basis. It was hard not to think of her, it was like breathing and not living. His mind wandered away and he let his heart dominate once again. He was never the one who fought inner battles but off lately the calm that reigned receded. On a quiet night, on a sunny day, at work or even when in the company of friends he felt empty and alone. He was missing her. So much that, even the beach he had taken a liking to at times like these didn’t sedate his nerves.

For me you'll always be eighteen
And beautiful and dancin' away with my heart

 In these four years of togetherness it was not that they didn’t talk ever, they did but only when he was overwhelmed and overcome by need. A need so primeval and strong that only she could soothe his burning soul. Addiction or love he chose not to name it, at the end a nameless relation was easier to elude with no explanation to offer. It might look absurd to a third person but when had they been an obvious couple. Their relation was unconventional just like them.

I brushed your curls back so I could see your eyes
And the way you moved me was like you were reading my mind
I can still feel you lean into kiss me
I can't help but wonder if you ever miss me

He sighed and drew a long breath, when he remembered their last phone conversation. At least at the moment it was.

“So, this is finally our last talk.” He said. “Is it really??” she asked regaining her composure, before continuing “I just can’t seem to believe it is.”

It was weird that they didn’t speak for a while and let the quaint silence linger a little longer, neither sure how to go about. It was then that he spoke in a neutral tone, “Trapped you finally, didn’t I? Never knew I could come up with something so brilliant.” She smiled, before replying “Yes, you trapped me but not today. The day I fell in love with you was the day I was truly trapped.” He didn’t respond to her for a while as his voice was choked with emotions. He sighed sadly as he spoke, “Good bye and take care.” And all she could muster up was a quiet, “See you, take care.”     

You headed off to college
At the end of that summer and we lost touch
I guess I didn't realize even at that moment we lost so much

Coming out of his reverie, he shook his head to clear his mind of dusty thoughts and forgotten times. This isn't the time for retrospection, he admonished himself. But he couldn’t help but wonder and spoke out loud;   

“What are you for me, Faya? Are you my friend or my girl? Is this new feeling that I have is what I'm supposed to feel for my closest friend, or for the woman I love?”

Sighing contentedly, he sips his now cold coffee as the song on the music player changes. 

Interlude 2 
-Fatima

	lady antebellum - dancing away with my heart .mp3
	Found at bee mp3 search engine

 

Walk Beyond Oblivion....

 Walk Beyond Oblivion....

There are moments when somethings on my mind but I just can't rhyme,
So forgive me these few brief awkward lines,
 
You're the only one now left,

Who I don't really wanna lose,

Though I know I can be too childish at times,

Or my words too sarcastic to digest for you...

But I ain't the one with attitude who can't change,

It's just I'm needy and too hurt that I can't bear,

And all I want from you is just a bit of love and care...

Gifts and pleasures I don't long,

As your friendship has been my greatest treasure all along.

-Fatima

P.S: Dedicated to my Soul Searched Friend.

- Koi Apna Sa -

- Koi Apna Sa -

Suni suni sadko pe,

Koi toh musafir hota...

Kaali andheri raaton mein,

Koi toh tanhayoon ka saathi hota...

Shaant aur surili raaton mein,

Jagmagate sitaron k jaisa...

Kaale badalon k sang,

Koi toh chand jaisa saathi hota...

Rhim jhim savan mein,

Saat rangon jaise muskurata...

Reait mein paani jaise,

Koi toh aansuon ka saathi hota...

Yeh dil kuch na chahe,

Paharoon jaise akeli raina mein...

Bus chund saanson jaisa apna,

Koi toh saacha saathi hota...

-Fatima

P.S: My first ever hindi poem and the theme is friendship not love!  

Forever Abide

It's been such a long time..that I posted something but now finally I'm done with my exams and finally free :)

Missed you guys and even your blogs...will catch up with all your stuff in sometime...have loads to read...:)

So without much ado here is the poem...hope you like it!

Forever Abide

Woke up to a bright and sunny day,

Yet somewhere wished it would pour today!

As sometimes too much of warmth also burns...

And you realize people do feign, cheat and fray.

Leaving you broken and shattered,

Amidst the crowd you walk alone!

Trying to let go the memories you made...

Though you hope for things to revert back to same.

You fall and you stumble,

And you're stuck up in a muddle!

As there is a lot that the mirror does not show...

Yet you give a try and believe, only to be deceived.

Reality does bite as some say,

So its better to quietly walk away!

With a pinch of hope and tear in eye...

You build back yourself with all your might.

Repressing the surging sullenness,

With all the happiness you've gathered along!

Spring now welcomes you back from gloom...

But, somewhere the longing of a true friend forever looms.

Fatima