Disclaimer:
This story is a work of fiction. It has no resemblance to any real character, though some part of it here and there is taken from reality but rest is pure imagination. The story comprises of 3 parts which is monologue kind of, I know my stories are usually that kind only but I'm more comfortable that way as I'm able to get into the character more easily. Also the small verses and quotations used throughout the story are works of Pablo Neruda I take no credit to it, I wanted to write the verses myself but somehow I just couldn't ! Hope you like this one.
CONFESSIONS OF MY HEART !
(PART 1)
(PART 1)
“ In this part of the story I’m the one who dies,
the only one, and I will die because I love you,
because I love you, love, in fire and in blood.”
It's been four years since we last spoke to each other, let alone see each
other. Our paths hardly crossed and if it did happen then we chose to not
acknowledge the other and move on. From then on life has been unruly and
turned mechanical, everything seems to be in order yet something is amiss.
'Tum'....'Aap'....perhaps to some other girl it won't even matter, but to me they signified gratitude and veneration. He was always there during my thick and thin, it seemed as if I were special. But then life took a turn and the one who was just a phone call away was now miles apart.
Maybe I was not...I...but he was to me. God I couldn't even accept it and move on with that fact, I still feared speaking it out loud. He was special to me...in ways more than a friend. Even if I acknowledge this fact, how will things turn out differently? And will it make a difference to him? Will he accept me or he won't? Will all this confession backfire and ruin our friendship? What if we snap out of this reverie and realize everything was just a dream? Dreams never turn into reality especially if, they are hazy as everything seems to be a part of this illusory world.
I fought with myself, stayed in bed all afternoon...got up, showered and started studying. When that didn't help resorted to sit on the net to clear my mind, tried reading a novel but none helped as I became more ruffled than I was earlier; I tried running far away from my thoughts that were racing in my mind and idiotic ideas addled my mind further. I moved out of the confinement of my home for a walk. It was nearing dusk and the sun had started to set, the sky was in shades of pink hues and blue and the weather was cold due to the rains earlier.
I saw the setting sun and pondered long..."Everything is pre-written and nothing can be rewritten!" This phrase caught my sight and I wondered was this bound to happen? Was this a sign an indication? That everything has been pre planned by God and all I can do is bow down? Perhaps yes; my meeting him, fearing him at the start and then becoming familiar, not being able to gather courage and finally showing up after a year...and a deep close bond taking birth and me growing insanely fond of him, this was not in my grand scheme of plans. Could it be an accident? No, it can't be...since when did I start having such ramblings with my inner soul and start unraveling and questioning my destiny?
I finally let go no resisting anymore, nor could I sense chaos and cacophony I was finally at peace; as there wasn't anything I could do to our past and to our future nor could I avoid this feeling to engulf me. Nothing mattered anymore and I gave in...I was madly, unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him, he stirred my soul like no one can...no one ever could ! I no longer pondered over this fact, if he will ever be mine? Or will he feel the way I do...but yet there was no turning back, I had come a long way and I simply couldn't. I love him and there is no doubt about that; I have no expectations from him, I never had. He doesn't believe in love or marriages the way I do nor does he look at life, like I see it. Our nature is different and way of life too, he being a pragmatic and realistic person to the core wherein I was an epitome of an idealist and a dreamer, though we both were wanderers and we meet, like the sky and the earth meet each other at the horizon. It was the first day of my life to love him and him alone, and its' been four years since the confession.
People might call me a fool and a whimsical girl, but then I don't care about the world anymore nor any random possibilities, as I've adjusted to him. He comes on his own accord and leaves on his own desires. I've not bound him nor do I stalk him like some might feel, he is free. It would be an understatement to say I don't shed tears, I do silently when a memory hits me back, for god-sake I'm a human with a heart and emotions too, but then it hurts me more when I hear people gossiping that I expect a reciprocation wherein I do not, I never did !
It doesn't pain me anymore, this is not insanity nor a mere bookish talk but reality. It doesn't mean I don't live a normal life, I laugh...I cry and also do the daily chores like I've always been doing, this life of mine doesn't inter-wine with my daily routine, it would be best to say I'm living a parallel life. Not everyone will believe it, not that I want them to but then not everyone goes through this to this extent like I have and now I silently wait for his return though it only means a call and nothing more than that.
"So I wait for you like a lonely house,
till you will see me again and live in me.
Till then my windows ache."
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With this I'm done with the first part....I'll post the second part when I'm finished with it...Hope you like it, comments and criticism both are welcome. Thank you !
-Fatima
