Sleepless Mirage...

Sleepless Mirage...

Stark silence enveloped and darkness was all that was around. A pair of lust filled eyes stared at her and the creepy crawly feeling of his groping hands engulfed. Waking up from her dream she let out an exasperated cry. Agonized screams filled the space as tremors shook her frame and then all lay still.

-Fatima

P.S: My 2nd 55 Word Fiction..I hope what I wanted to convey is conveyed...really worried !!

Random Musings #1

Random Musings #1

Well this is not some series or anything of a particular genre, this one will just contain things that are mere abstractions it could be just dissecting particular emotions or life in general. Another important thing is this is not about me the reason I mentioned this is, since I usually have a soft corner for melancholic writings people feel I'm sad and temme to cheer up that's not done :-/ so I thought of informing prior :D 

This particular post is inspired by this pic and written in first person...Hope you enjoy reading! Do give your valuable feedback :)

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Until Forever’s Gone…

It was nearing midnight and my mood was surprisingly languid, it was that particular moment when I didn’t feel like thinking or following the practicalities of life and society but to let my mind and heart reel freely. I sat there perching besides the window seating idly murmuring songs that seemed like some incoherent mumbling but it hardly mattered as I had none to please and just soothe myself.

 It was in moments like these when I wondered how it would feel to revel in you and bask in your love, to love and to be loved back by you! But tonight astonishingly a certain unknown fear gripped me amplifying my pulse rate turning my beat and breath erratic, it was then that I realized that I was too sensitive and terribly lonely; I somehow didn’t realize when the phase from being social turned solitary but it sure was a gradual process. In a flash love seemed a farfetched thing and all that I needed now was a friend, a person who befriended me despite my flaws, my uncanny nature and my fickle mood swings because even I was no ideal perfect person. Letting out a sigh I crawl back to my bed and wait for weariness to take over and lull me to sleep taking me to the world of dreams where life though is not full of glee but someone somewhere is there with me.

In moments of despair,

It’s not always love that you need,

It’s just a true and caring friend that will suffice.

-Fatima

An Incomplete Story....

Tonight I feel the need to be engulfed in your arms,

Rest my head on your heart,

And listen to the rhythm that surrounds,

Forgetting the world around…

A moment of bliss,

A moment of joy,

Hoping you won’t deny…

Is all that I have been wishing.

I don’t know how does it feel,

To be loved by the one you love,

For once I wish to be there,

To feel and revel.

To stare in your eyes,

To look in your soul,

To melt and merge in you,

Though it only last for a day…

I wish I were the key,

To unlock the doors of your heart,

And know I’m the one,

Who resides in thee…

Tonight yet again I feel the need,

To be the laughter in your silence,

The memory in your moments,

And the song that your heart sings…

- Fatima

Crossed Paths.....

Crossed Paths.....

Untold unexpressed emotions lead her to a dark alley where stark silence lingers and the shadow seems to fade, a confused numb pain takes over her as she tries to elude and sever the past. Knocking every door on her way hoping to see her beloved's face only to realize he's gone too far away.

-Fatima

P.S: My first ever attempt at writing a 55 words fiction..dunno how it has come out...do leave your views :)

Image courtesy: Google

.....Midnight Monologue.....

.....Midnight Monologue.....

The night cold and frosty...
Confines me to an unknown pain,
There is a conflict surging,
Between me and my soul.

Sitting in a clustered room,
By the narrow window pane,
The hands of the clock slowly tick by...
As I wait for the moon to shine at the night.

Tears don't trickle by,
Nor stars adore the beautiful sky... 
Waiting for spring to arrive, 
I die a thousand deaths in fall...
 

Writers Note:  Ruffled, lost and a wounded soul....silence is all I wish to embrace now although silence is a silent killer. Guess I'm sounding too weak and depressed am I the only one to feel so or there are other people on this planet like me? Exam in 2 days time and I barely remember anything, just blank and here I wanted to score good grades make up for the losses, so frustrated with my poor health and everything other too... wanna do so much but failing and the moment just wanna break free...Very well know this is the wrong attitude but can't help it; but its nowhere related to the fact that what I'm studying.. I want to leave that or pursue something else...no its not that at all I'm contented with what I'm doing I really am  (some people who know me might feel this is the reason hell no its not!)

Just unable to understand how can a determined person whose always struggled and fought and came out with flying colours suddenly become so fragile and vulnerable and can't seem to find an end to this unending and deserted maze??  Something is seriously wrong dunno exactly what it is...not even able to voice out my inhibitions verbally nor can anyone read my silence...Trying to clutch to something and feel as its slipping away... everyone will tell me you're demotivating yourself and that you just can't say like this, this is the height of immaturity and feebleness but I dunno I'm unable to escape its clutches whatever it is...sigh 

P.S: I dunno whether it's right on my part to post this on my blog rather than write it down somewhere in my diary where no one knows about it....but then I guess I post everything out here and hence, even this........

-Fatima

Kuch Alfaz !

This time round I'm feeling like letting out my poetic side in Urdu come out...so here are some shayri's by me...

Please give me your honest reviews if at all you like them, many people don't like work written in Urdu....Hope it turns out to be false :)

These are three different shayri's written during different phases of my life and all of them signify a lot to me....not mere work but something much more than that !

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Tod k vaade tum yun gayee,

   Jazbaaton ko bhi saath le gayee,

   Na aah nikli, na ek aasu baha;

   Aisi tum tanhayee de gayee.....

---***---

 Uss chahat ko hum chahat ka naam kaise de...??...

   Jisse hum chahkar bhi chaah nahi sakte...

---***---

 Tanha hai lekin iss tanhayee mein bhi tera saath hai,

   Sitaaron se jagmagati yeh kaali raat hai,

   Na manzil hai na thekana ai humsafar...

   Lekin iss matlabi duniya mein phir bhi tumhara saath hai. 

---***---

-Fatima

A Walk Down The Memory Lane !

 This was the most difficult poem for me to pen down...I was so lost in the feelings yet I was not getting words to express them, I really don't know how it has come out...so please give your honest reviews...hope you like it ! Thanks a lot :)

A Walk Down The Memory Lane

The enchanting darkness settles down,

And the moonlight shimmers in the narrow lane,

As the world around me transforms,

Awakening me to the warmth of my being.

The melancholy slowly fades down,

And the insanity too flees away,

The satin soft snow falls from the heaven above,

Engulfing me in its soulless life and ways!

Days roll and months pass by,

And the songs of the songster,

Kindle a fervent of hope and joy;

As I drench myself in the rains of July.

The chirping birds and the blooming flowers,

Call out to me and shed some light,

The unshed tears and unspoken words,

Are now seen in sight.

At the wake of dawn,

The drops of dew too spill,

And earth too exudes the innate beauty of spring,

As I reconcile the existence of love in my being. 

-Fatima

POST #3

I dunno if this post is interesting or not but it is very necessary as this is an attempt to describe his persona.....Continued from here Post #2 

Hope you accept it !!! Will wait for your comments as always :) 

POST #3

Oh! How so I wish to embrace you in my arms,
Rest my head on your shoulder and forget all the norms;

And let out all the tears I've suppressed for so long.

        The day has ended and the moon is up, the sky is pitch black and the stars adorn and lit  it beautifully adding to the unending expanse of the ethereal beauty and the darkness that engulfs. I'm sitting by the window seating unlike other days when I'm on my study table buried into my books; nocturnal is what she calls me as I too bask in the moonlight like her and find solace in the never ending night, we are strangely similar yet dissimilar.

       I being a studious and realistic guy to the core whose only passion is studying and scoring good grades and looking at life through the lens wherein she is an epitome of an idealist and saw herself as a free bird when the reality was stark opposite.

       The November night was silent yet there is a nerve soothing melody in it that relaxes me and urges me to open the blind folds of my heart and peel a layer off myself. I being a loner most of the time prefer to dwell in solitude as it gives me a sense of tranquility, well my fellow class mates have a very different picture of me 'lonely'  is what they feel I am; they have misinterpreted but I don't feel the need to correct them; my mother is the only one who truly knows me. Life at most times has not been easy it's still not as even the basic needs are hard to avail and there are days when basic necessities are lacking as mom is the only working member of the family. Not all know this fact but my dad is bed ridden due to paralysis, I don't like to let this out openly as then people pity us; hospital expenses, medicines and even my studies leave her in a lurch yet she doesn't utter a single word and continues slogging hard for us, somewhere down the line I know this is the very reason I've lost my innocence and embraced maturity, as I've to toil my way through the hardships and you have no one to open up too and comfort you. But life changes and so do people in your life; there was a time when only my mom knew my emotional state and now she too is there, the one who has carved a special place in my heart and is there with me to comfort me and to talk to about life and it's unruly ways, when responsibilities fall on your young shoulders and at times you feel like breaking down and escaping the clutches of this crippled life that has rendered you helpless, at one point of time I did feel so.

        I stare into the black sky and look to the lord above as I'm tired of questioning destiny and God too; feel like I've reached the saturation point from where I can't help my mom nor reduce  her woes and ease her financially nor can I emotionally complete my dad. I've stopped asking Why me? nor do I say Try me! as life has tried me more than once; a near to death accident of my younger brother right in front of my eyes, dad suffering from heart stroke and being paralyzed, financial crises so much so that I even contemplated giving up my studies to support my family; had it not been mom's strong resistance and will power I would have crumpled to life's unruly demands long back yet I recoiled in my shell and became a loner and a melancholic soul. It was then that she walked in my life and awakened the long lost emotions which were seemingly dead, though it was just the arrogance and rudeness that took birth first as she tried to intrude into my personal space but slowly with the passage of time it turned into a beautiful friendship and now I call her 'my soul searched' friend. It now feels that my hope is no longer forlorn and it has re-awakened and goodwill is all around, mirth is taking birth in my gloomy home and life once again as mom too has started smiling and dad too is active though still bed ridden. Slowly things are seeming to change and sorrow is fading and joy is replacing and it's all due to her presence; she is truly 'Light in the Darkness.' 

Life take me the way you want,
And lead me to a place where no one has ever been,
Hills and Plains I'm ready to cross,
With you by my side, I can forever trod.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Hope you liked it, honest reviews are most welcome :)

Link to Next Part 

Languished in the Moonlight !

I really dunno why I wrote this poem, I was studying for my exam that is tomorrow but this thought just kept on haunting me dunno why? and just to free my mind I ended up writing this. I really dunno if, I've done justice or what I've written is making sense and is looking like a poem...or not...but I just had to pour out my emotions. Please give your honest reviews.

 Languished in the Moonlight !

The day has ended and the moon is in up-rise,

And the stars shine in the seamless black night,

The light goes down as a smoky aura engulfs,

The starry night is not silent anymore,

As the creatures of dark are on the roar.

The voracious souls now slowly ooze,

Where liquor is dew and vile is not anew,

Girls are slaughtered and fear is in sight,

As innocence is tarnished and lust is in the air,

And green notes no longer curb despair.

The fiesta is now livid and live,

Pleas and cries are spread wide, 

As the poor souls are openly advertised,

The wails and howls are now suppressed,

And the night goes cold and wild.

-Fatima

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P.S: Something that should not be ignored and nor should be called as stupidity on the girls part as some people say, though it's a social crime it is unavoidable at times due to circumstances.(Yes, I know people who say it's foolishness to go into the flesh trade but no one goes willingly you need to understand that rather than blaming them)

Lost in the Oblivion !

You walk a lonely road,

The one that seems austere,

And then realization strikes,

Your lost and let out a sigh.

There is something missing,

As only questions are hovering,

And you don't know why?

Yet you walk an extra mile.

You pass several doors,

And cross many lanes,

In search of a lone being,

But you've reached nowhere.

You wait, wait until a long time,

To surmount your grief,

You trudge and tread,

Until you have no verve left.

As the sun finally sets,

And the light slowly ebbs,

A narrow path with spiral ways,

Leads you to a bleak and far off place.

-Fatima

POST #2

        Disclaimer: 

                     This again is just a random post based on an incident but more like a series which will have continuity. Hope you like it ! You can go back to this as it is a part of this series too... Post #1

   POST #2

 

              

         It had been an early rise, the colour of monsoon added to the vibrant nature, yet another day of rainfall. The cool breeze swayed deliriously and the trees swirled and animals hid in their niche as the sun was busy relaxing itself behind the layers of clouds! Finally, after an hour or so, the sun slowly crawled out of it's niche and the soft, warm rays penetrated my abode with utmost ease. The birds were now chirping and the fresh flowers bloomed welcoming a new day, a new start. It was a lovely day and I sank deeper into my blanket and snuggled inside it, unlike my younger sister who stood by the window and basked in the early sunlight. I however, didn't seem to find peace in the morning like most people do, I love the night and darkness as it provides me tranquility and comfort that I want, it is far more bright, warm and cozy in comparison to the broad daylight.

         
          I hid myself deep within the blanket until darkness completely engulfed me, sleep had left long ago, though I did feel sluggish. My mind wandered and I pondered slipping into my own world, contemplating and reflecting the past and the memories. Ah! and I realize the past has washed itself with the rains and purified me; but the remnants still remained though very vague. Exams are round the corner yet, I do not study. I'm not avoiding it deliberately but I'm unable to give my heart and soul to it, although I'm no topper not even close to being a topper but an average student, still something didn't seem quite right but what? I still am unable to find the reason for the sudden chaos that has engulfed me and my concentration too is dwindling since a past few days. It is such a freaking thing that you are busy figuring out the crap math sums wherein you can't even figure out the math of your life! Ain't it true? Yes, it is indeed but then it has always been me who searches answers or is in the quest of unraveling things and also the one who has to bear the brunt and scoldings from my dad as all the praises are reserved for my younger sister; the one who is very disciplined and never lies. Well that is one outlook that no matter how much I try to change I'm unable too.

          It is not that I'm jealous of her, in fact I'm very proud of her and she is my biggest support and my strength, who loves me more than any one could possibly do apart from my mother who is no more, though she was not my real mother she loved me more than anything in this world, I don't even know who my real mother was; my dad never spoke of her nor do I intend on finding about her, for this lady alone was my mother and will always be. It does pain and hurt and my heart cries when dad accuses me of every wrong committed and leaves me all alone. They say I've chosen this path myself, is it? I've been used to hear words like, 'chatterbox' ,'whimsical' and an 'emotionless person' not only from dad but from my aunt and some friends too. They encouraged her and she excelled too, but what about me? "Oh! Tamanna, no she is good for nothing and a madcap!". These words ringed loudly in my mind as if they were just said yesterday but then they were uttered long ago. It's true, Time heals all wounds but the memories never leave your side; they are etched in my mind and so I've simply recoiled in my shell and present a facade to this world. Speak what they wish to hear and listen only that should be heard. I guess hardly anyone apart from him knows that I have a flair for writing stories and poems; that I'm an intellectual person too whose true potential is not tapped and that I love silence and also that I'm a trapped soul, trapped in my own past who fears opening up for the fear of losing.

          A sudden wave of emotions hits me and the words rush out, I grab my diary that is kept on the bedside table and pen down,

Would you tell me if you're jaded or waxed ?

Or rather you prefer calling me unique and whimsical ?

Ideas and notions, is that the reason ?

Build a shell around me and started believing in fairies;

Oh! dear child

Wake up, Wake up to the gory reality that hides;

Smiles and frowns are a part of life !

Link to Next Part: 

-Fatima

Chronicles of an Escapist! #1

I've been acting a bit weird lately, just my other self you see. Whenever something happens I try to analyze it and delve deeper into it, something not new but what is new is I try to draw conclusions; at times I'm unable to and I'm left in a lurch other times I do reach to some answers.
Guess I'm home now-a-days due to the upcoming exams and all I do is just study and that's when boredom hits me. I'm not the one who can sit for hours doing the same thing be it studies or some other chore, I'm always on the run in the quest to do one thing after the other.
In childhood it was labeled as multitasking and extraordinary whilst now its mere restlessness and lack of concentration ! I'm amused at how fast perceptions change.

I wish to add more things under it, lets see what happens ! It could be anything; a vignette, a one shot, a random conversation or a free random verse...simply anything that comes to my mind.

Hope you enjoy it and do lemme know ! 

____________________________________________________________

POST #1

   

    The view was pristine and idyllic, they were sitting by the edge of the porch silently watching the sudden downpour. The sky was grayish and it was getting dark with each passing second. The wind was blowing harshly and leaves were scattered all around; the roses in the garden were withered and only small shrubs and violets that were close to the ground were safe from natures wrath. The calmness that prevailed was now lost and diffused into nothingness and it seemed as if the tempest would take over. The aura of innocence was overshadowed by that of vile and things no longer seemed to be austere.

         The clouds roared again and she quivered and let out a shriek, trying to process the thoughts and indications but she again failed to draw conclusions. It was something she loved right from the childhood, talking to nature, questioning it and trying to understand and unravel it as she felt it hid some very basic answers of her very existence; with the passage of time and responsibilities this interaction had reduced but never diminished.

         He sat beside her unlike her, he was calm and collected as he tried to gauge her state of mind; her face was an array of so many emotions and feelings yet they were quite  obscure for him to make out the true meaning of them. Dead silence lingered for a while, the downpour had relented and only slight sound could be heard, it had been some 30 minutes that nature was retracing back to its calm and serene self; the wind was now softer and cold compared to what it had been. He spoke out of the blue, Do you not think calmness always quells chaos? Though it seems all prosaic yet it gives birth to a hope unknown that fills the heart with mirth, curbs enmity and raises amity. There was a sudden lull in the conversation and it seemed insipid yet he did not know how to formulate his thoughts into words and let her know. She didn't revert back for quite a time, she was eyeing the sky that was now a darker shade of black and it remained intact; she was not much into thinking at the moment and was basking in the aftermath of calmness and rains.

         She spoke after long, It would be improper to say only calmness quells chaos; it could be the other way round too, can't it? As order comes after chaos and solitude is all what is needed to clear the mess and to tread ahead. It doesn't give birth to hope as hope is always there, it is just the revival and rebirth of it. Chaos at times is good as  you walk the untrodden road, see the gory reality and at times multiple faces of the same individual; it is good to know so much is hidden and you fail to notice it in the first glance yet you still in believe in fairies and hope is alive. It is this hope which may seem as small as a pea but it shakes mountains and flips the world upside down; It is just an allusion and it entices you and then you forgo and move ahead. It is all a part of the illusory world, a condition of mind, you see only that which you wish too and life is just a part of it. She felt it was quaint yet unsure if she could continue; she stopped midway to glance into his eyes, there was a gleaming smile in them and it reflected back in hers.

        And then all faded and diffused into the oblivion as they reverted back home.

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-Fatima 

Next

        
         

Confessions Of My Heart ! (Last Part)

I'm finally posting the epilogue of the story...It's a really short one though but then some thoughts and feelings can't even be expressed in words as words fall short and they can only be felt. Hope you can connect to it, like you could to the rest of the story, please do let me know what you all felt.
(Part 2)

(PART 3)

"I love you without knowing how, 

or when, or from where.

I love you straightforwardly, 

without complexities or pride; 

so I love you because I know no other way." 

            Some stories begin in the night while some in the broad daylight; time passes by and things change yet something things are forever the same; just like minutes turning to hours, months into years and night into days, the cycle remains unperturbed as the nature balances each and everything in accordance to the other and fulfills it's duty.  

            It was a cold November night the weather was considerably below and she was a witness to it. The void and emptiness that had engulfed her was now dissolved into nothingness; her waist long hair played deliriously with the winds and sent a shiver down her spine. She was standing in her balcony her hands swayed idly and the room was filled with the jingling sound of her bangles, there was a distant connection of bangles and them; their very first conversation had been on the subject of bangles and their significance and till today she failed to understand why did they have that conversation which was no where near rational and yet it was significant in shaping their relation; guess somethings are better left to themselves rather than fumbling with them and trying to figure it out. 

          It was way past midnight and yet she didn't feel eerie in this desolate hour as she stood watching the full moon gleaming in the starry night. The moon and the silent night had been a witness to all; their unsolicited problems, impending confusions, their silence and even their talks which were stark opposite just like they were, yet there was harmony. It seemed like an eternity had passed as she waited for his arrival; suddenly she felt a tug in her heart and she could feel his presence as he silently came and stood beside her. 

         None of them spoke and only silence lingered; it was not they did not wish to speak but there was no need for speech when silence and their hearts conversed. The tinkling of her bangles and their hushed breaths sounded like symphony in the still night. After what seemed like aeons he finally let go and spoke in a subtle voice, "Your like  water to my parched soul and I'm attracted to you like a moth to a flame!" she smiled and a tear formed in the corner of her eye as he took her into his embrace and all she said was, "My endless wait is now over!". And the night faded and at last a new dawn commenced. 

"Then love knew it was called love.
And when I lifted my eyes to your name,
suddenly your heart showed me my way"   

-Fatima

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This is the end of the story. Hope you liked it and enjoyed it as much as I did  writing ! 

Confessions Of My Heart (Part 2)

Here I come up with my second part finally ! 

(Part 2)

"I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,

in secret, between the shadow and the soul."

        Time passes by and only memories remain. Memories are like story books and when we have quiet moments or moments of introspection and reflection that we allow them to catch up with us. I too, do the same but this is confined to only a particular set of memories; as only they have the power to stir my soul and make me feel vulnerable, yet I cannot do anything to relieve them. It's not that I've not tried, but the more I try the difficult it becomes for me to let go or maybe I do not want to let go, as they are the very basis of my existence; and I cannot even in the wildest of my dreams block them away, though in reality I try to avoid and block her as much as I can, by not only hurting her but my own self. 

        Four years ! A pretty long time to not talk to someone close. It really requires courage to maintain a calm demeanor and a tough exterior when your a mess inside; searching for answers, when you know that a certain someone holds them, that only they have the key to unlock your heart and free you from the shackles that bind you but yet you avoid them. It's been quite a time since I mused over this and the smile that tugged my lips faded into the oblivion. 

       The sun was still tugged in it's niche. It was an early Sunday morning, the wind was chilly and the weather cold. The dew was still intact on the leaves as I headed towards the beach. The shore was calm unlike my insides where things were not at all tranquil. The water gleamed and the gentle waves were bobbing up and down; being weekend there was not a single soul in sight probably people are busy catching sleep after a hectic week but I couldn't even do that and be in peace. At that moment all I wanted to do was make my way back into the woods where these thoughts would be far away from my mind so that I could contemplate my actions and justify my reasons as, Solitude is not always the solution to all your problems but at times it helps you escaping them ! But my feet refused to budge and finally I gave in and settled on the sand, eyeing the sea. The soft and gentle wind blew transporting me back and I was forced to open the closed doors of my heart.

      Life at most times had not been easy, but I had to toil and pave my way through the hardships, stay away from my loved ones to achieve things and make a place for myself in this world where losing is easy but gaining far more difficult. There have been days when sleep was far away as I had to complete my tasks; I had to do so, I couldn't run away from my responsibilities, no matter how much I wanted to take a break and breath freely. 

       It was not love at first sight for me, in-fact I didn't realize my love for her until a long time as I never really believed in love; come to think of it I'm still clueless as to when did she make a place in my heart? I remember vividly, how she never really talked to me and only gave me a shy smile and stammer while talking to me despite being a boisterous and a talkative girl, famous for her ignorance on small things and her sly smile. Some people mistook her ignorance as her naivety but somehow I couldn't as I found her to be a bit shrewd and audacious with a pinch of innocence. I was friends with her but the more I got to know her, the more I tried not going near her as I feared loosing myself in her. I being one of the most sought after guys, a heartthrob; I never really did pay attention to girls in that sense; but I was drawn to her slowly and steadily. She was a simple girl with a simple lifestyle yet she seemed to capture my heart and soul. But all was good in my world until after one year when she contacted me again, and since then life has been a roller coaster ride for me. 

       As now I saw a different girl in front of me, who had build up courage and would now talk casually to me like all my other friends. But then call it destiny or something else that is done deliberately she sneaked under my radar and was slowly getting under my skin. She always used to question me, why do I have a protective wall around me? Why am I a mystery, not that mysteries are not good but she seemed to mean something else like she was hoping to find some answers as in an unsolved riddle. What was even more shocking was that she never left those questions hanging but was in the quest to find those answers; in the hope to know me or rather her own self. It was not she who was vulnerable to me, but I was to her, she never realized perhaps I never did show. I tried hurting her, avoiding her and et al. but she persisted even that. How so badly I wanted to hold her then and speak my heart but then I just couldn't do so. I could not let her know how she affects me nor could I display the real me and my true feelings to her; and as time passed by, after trying for long, she gave in and let me go and I was free.

      But the question still lingers; am I truly free? Am I not hers and she mine? Has she really let me go? I choose to not search for these answers and leave it to time and destiny to take the decision, and this time I will accept it; though it means I've to let go and open up to her as my real self, there was no resisting anymore. 

" I love you only because it's you the one I love;

I hate you deeply and hating you.

Bend to you, and the measure of my 

changing love for you,

Is that I do not see you but 

love you blindly."

              

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With this ends my 2nd part...Hope you like it, please give your honest reviews both comments and criticism. 

Link to Next Part: Interlude 1

-Fatima 

CONFESSIONS OF MY HEART ! (Short Story)

Disclaimer:

        This story is a work of fiction. It has no resemblance to any real character, though some part of it here and there is taken from reality but rest is pure imagination. The story comprises of 3 parts which is monologue kind of, I know my stories are usually that kind only but I'm more comfortable that way as I'm able to get into the character more easily. Also the small verses and quotations used throughout the story are works of Pablo Neruda I take no credit to it, I wanted to write the verses myself but somehow I just couldn't ! Hope you like this one. 

CONFESSIONS OF MY HEART ! 
(PART 1)

“ In this part of the story I’m the one who dies,

the only one, and I will die because I love you,

because I love you, love, in fire and in blood.”

        

  It's been four years since we last spoke to each other, let alone see each other. Our paths hardly crossed and if it did happen then we chose to not acknowledge the  other and move on. From then on life has been unruly and turned mechanical, everything seems to be in order yet something is amiss.

          'Tum'....'Aap'....perhaps to some other girl it won't even matter, but to me they signified gratitude and veneration. He was  always there during my thick and thin, it seemed as if I were special. But then life took a turn and the one who was just a phone call away was now miles apart.

         

         Maybe I was not...I...but he was to me. God I couldn't even accept it and move on with that fact, I still feared speaking it out loud. He was special to me...in ways more than a friend. Even if I acknowledge this fact, how will things turn out differently? And will it make a difference to him? Will he accept me or he won't? Will all this confession backfire and ruin our friendship? What if we snap out of this reverie and realize everything was just a dream? Dreams never turn into reality especially if, they are hazy as everything seems to be a part of this illusory world.

       I fought with myself, stayed in bed all afternoon...got up, showered and started studying. When that didn't help resorted to sit on the net to clear my mind, tried reading a novel but none helped as I became more ruffled than I was earlier; I tried running far away from my thoughts that were racing in my mind and idiotic ideas addled my mind further. I moved out of the confinement of my home for a walk. It was nearing dusk and the sun had started to set, the sky was in shades of pink hues and blue and the weather was cold due to the rains earlier.

       I saw the setting sun and pondered long..."Everything is pre-written and  nothing can be rewritten!" This phrase caught my sight and I wondered was this bound to happen? Was this a sign an indication? That everything has been pre planned by God and all I can do is bow down? Perhaps yes; my meeting him, fearing him at the start and then becoming familiar, not being able to gather courage and finally showing up after a year...and a deep close bond taking birth and me growing insanely fond of him, this was not in my grand scheme of plans. Could it be an accident? No, it can't be...since when did I start having such ramblings with my inner soul and start unraveling and  questioning my destiny? 

         
           I finally let go no resisting anymore, nor could I sense chaos and cacophony I was finally at peace; as there wasn't anything I could do to our past  and to our future nor could I avoid this feeling to engulf me. Nothing mattered anymore and I gave in...I was madly, unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him, he stirred my soul like no one can...no one ever could ! I no longer pondered over this fact, if he will ever be mine? Or will he feel the way I do...but yet there was no turning back, I had come a long way and I simply couldn't. I love him and there is no doubt about that; I have no expectations from him, I never had. He doesn't believe in love or marriages the way I do nor does he look at life, like I see it. Our nature is different and way of life too, he being a pragmatic and realistic person to the core wherein I was an epitome of an idealist and a dreamer, though we both were wanderers and we meet, like the sky and the earth meet each other at the horizon. It was the first day of my life to love him and him alone, and its' been four years since the confession.

          People might call me a fool and a whimsical girl, but then I don't care about the world anymore nor any random possibilities, as I've adjusted to him. He comes on his own accord and leaves on his own desires. I've not bound him nor do I stalk him like some might feel, he is free. It would be an understatement to say I don't shed tears, I do silently when a memory hits me back, for god-sake I'm a human with a heart and emotions too, but then it hurts me more when I hear people gossiping that I expect a reciprocation wherein I do not, I never did !

       It doesn't pain me anymore, this is not insanity nor a mere bookish talk but reality. It doesn't mean I don't live a normal life, I laugh...I cry and also do the daily chores like I've always been doing, this life of mine doesn't inter-wine with my daily routine, it would be best to say I'm living a parallel life. Not everyone will believe it, not that I want them to but then not everyone goes through this to this extent like I have and now I silently wait for his return though it only means a call and nothing more than that.

"So I wait for you like a lonely house,

till you will see me again and live in me.

Till then my windows ache." 

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With this I'm done with the first part....I'll post the second part when I'm finished with it...Hope you like it, comments and criticism both are welcome. Thank you !   

Link to Next Part:

-Fatima