Winter

snow laden mountains

whizzing wisp of wailing wind

barren land remains

-Fatima

A letter from Me to You

Wish you and I talked

Talked like a pair of strangers

Though I know your identity and you mine.

Still I wish we had a bond,

A bond that could transcend the ordinary companionship and time.

But, then when I think a little more about it…

I realize you’ve become my confidant

Like a puzzle fitting pieces of you and me.

Woven together inextricably,

Just like the grains of sand and sea till eternity.  

confessions of my heart: interlude 1

This is an interlude to a story written long back! Confessions of My Heart. I've been meaning to conjure this up since a long time but finally got this together.

The story is a divided into three parts and can be found here, and somehow the interludes basically occur  after chap 2 as chap3 in the end of this series...complicated?? I hope not :)

Confessions Of My Heart: Part 1
Confessions Of My Heart: Part 2
Confessions Of My Heart: Part 3

Confessions Of My Heart: Interlude 1

I finally asked you to dance
On the last slow song
Beneath that moon that was really a disco ball
I can still feel my head on your shoulder
And hoping that song would never be over

The sun sank behind the hilltops and the dark veil gradually began settling at eventide. The fragrance of the wet soil from the rain shower earlier was wafting in the chilly air. He was sitting on his bed idly crooning the song playing on his music player. His fingers adeptly moved along the strings of his guitar and the freshly brewed coffee lay neglected on the nightstand. It was a rather quite night with nothing much to do and he let himself immerse in the memories of her.  

I haven't seen you in ages
Sometimes I find myself
Wondering where you are

It was long since he last saw her though he thought of her on daily basis. It was hard not to think of her, it was like breathing and not living. His mind wandered away and he let his heart dominate once again. He was never the one who fought inner battles but off lately the calm that reigned receded. On a quiet night, on a sunny day, at work or even when in the company of friends he felt empty and alone. He was missing her. So much that, even the beach he had taken a liking to at times like these didn’t sedate his nerves.

For me you'll always be eighteen
And beautiful and dancin' away with my heart

 In these four years of togetherness it was not that they didn’t talk ever, they did but only when he was overwhelmed and overcome by need. A need so primeval and strong that only she could soothe his burning soul. Addiction or love he chose not to name it, at the end a nameless relation was easier to elude with no explanation to offer. It might look absurd to a third person but when had they been an obvious couple. Their relation was unconventional just like them.

I brushed your curls back so I could see your eyes
And the way you moved me was like you were reading my mind
I can still feel you lean into kiss me
I can't help but wonder if you ever miss me

He sighed and drew a long breath, when he remembered their last phone conversation. At least at the moment it was.

“So, this is finally our last talk.” He said. “Is it really??” she asked regaining her composure, before continuing “I just can’t seem to believe it is.”

It was weird that they didn’t speak for a while and let the quaint silence linger a little longer, neither sure how to go about. It was then that he spoke in a neutral tone, “Trapped you finally, didn’t I? Never knew I could come up with something so brilliant.” She smiled, before replying “Yes, you trapped me but not today. The day I fell in love with you was the day I was truly trapped.” He didn’t respond to her for a while as his voice was choked with emotions. He sighed sadly as he spoke, “Good bye and take care.” And all she could muster up was a quiet, “See you, take care.”     

You headed off to college
At the end of that summer and we lost touch
I guess I didn't realize even at that moment we lost so much

Coming out of his reverie, he shook his head to clear his mind of dusty thoughts and forgotten times. This isn't the time for retrospection, he admonished himself. But he couldn’t help but wonder and spoke out loud;   

“What are you for me, Faya? Are you my friend or my girl? Is this new feeling that I have is what I'm supposed to feel for my closest friend, or for the woman I love?”

Sighing contentedly, he sips his now cold coffee as the song on the music player changes. 

Interlude 2 
-Fatima

	lady antebellum - dancing away with my heart .mp3
	Found at bee mp3 search engine

 

Paper is Patient than Man !!

Paper is Patient than Man !!

At this moment instead of penning down this write up which technically isn’t a write up but just an emotional vent out, I should be doing my mid-term seminar report whose submission is due tomorrow but somehow I just can’t concentrate on the task at hand and ended up crying now that’s really silly of me….lol I can’t believe I was unable to cry some days back and now I’m crying as if some tragedy has befallen me…

So much so that I’ve distanced myself from people whom I call friends, hardly feel like talking to them though none may agree to it coz I still keep on chattering non-stop and the reason is I don’t want those guys to worry about me…on a serious note I really dunno how many of them really and actually care..but it doesn’t matter anymore you see…and even the fact that I hardly feel like socializing and meeting buddies, I can’t avoid the ones I meet everyday can I ?? Hell no, if I do so I’ll be labeled as Anti-Social and hey I can’t even bear that tag…messed up you see…

I’m such a tube light at times…A friend of mine had requested me to write a poem on Independence Day..but I got so stuck up in work that I forgot about it until today morning…I felt like I wish I had taken some time out from the hectic schedule for myself and written something what’s the point in running away...but was I really running away I dunno ?? If, yes then from whom myself or the world….guess me only I don’t really care about the world anymore apart from the people who make my world and are a part of it…and I really miss some of them though lemme be true to you…there are barely 3-4 people who comprise in my little world :) and I love them to the core..they are those who I call my friends….on Saturday I was missing one of them as it was Rakshabhandan and today like always I’m missing one such friend a lot, doesn’t mean I don’t miss others but sometimes its someone specific and that feeling just can’t be expressed or explained, Absence and Distance does make the heart grow fonder…earlier just quoted it for the sake of it and now believe it… wonderful !!

I very well know all that’s written over here doesn’t make any sense at least it does to me at this moment dunno about if this will make sense, when this phase passes….but I guess that’s the way it is…and why to keep things bottled up in your heart and trouble your own self…best to let it out in words… In fact, somewhere I’m really happy this is my first blog post made from my lappy though it doesn’t truly reflect me but just a glimpse of my emotions that have been running high since quite a time…

 I dunno why but I’m having this urge to share some three line verse I had written long long back at the end of this post…I really dunno if it’ll make sense as the end note but doesn’t matter does it ?? So here they go,

“Your stole my words before I could speak, 
Shattered my heart even before I could cherish my feelings…

And now I’m only left with forlorn hope.”

                                                                                                                 

Finally feeling good to have let out….in deed Paper is Patient than Man!

-Fatima

P.S: I know I'm being too lazy and I din comment or as a matter of fact have not read any of the recent blog post...but I hope to read them soon.

MEMORIES !

This is one of the earliest poems ever written by me....actually written for a friend wanted to cheer her up for some reasons she was down ! Realized today that I never posted it on the blog...

better late than never :)

So here it goes.....hope you guys like it !

MEMORIES !

Whenever you look outside the window,
You see things have changed
And people have moved on,
And you feel you have nothing left
Ah! no you have,a bundle of memories!
Memories are the only door to the future & windows to the past,
They reflect you today
But don't conceal your past,
Don't be depressed over what happened yesterday,
But, vow today not to let it happen tomorrow;
For life is only once lived
But the nostalgia lives forever!

-Fatima 

Dream Of You !

Dream Of You ! 

Sounds of the bittersweet melody,

Resonates deep within my soul...
As I lay there hoping for warmth after the coldness has gone.
I know it ain't the case and I shouldn't expect,

As I know I've blown all the chances that've come my way,

Yet there is a forlorn hope, that you truly didn't walk away....

You gave me hope, you gave me joy...

You were my light at the end of the night,

Time passed by and days too rolled

Yet there is a question that still looms...

Why did you teach me to walk again? 

When you were to leave me crumpled all alone on my own....

It's not that I did not try,

A little more time is all that I needed

Or maybe just a bit of love would have done...

I was just too scared to confess and too insecure to lose,

Lost and confused is what I was back then,

Yet it was me who had to choose.

I dunno why I still love you?

When all I should do is try to forget you....

I'm not stalking nor am I insane,

But I just can't seem to let go...

Wearing a smile on my face and a frown in my heart...

I lead my life in thy memoirs....

-Fatima

POST #3

I dunno if this post is interesting or not but it is very necessary as this is an attempt to describe his persona.....Continued from here Post #2 

Hope you accept it !!! Will wait for your comments as always :) 

POST #3

Oh! How so I wish to embrace you in my arms,
Rest my head on your shoulder and forget all the norms;

And let out all the tears I've suppressed for so long.

        The day has ended and the moon is up, the sky is pitch black and the stars adorn and lit  it beautifully adding to the unending expanse of the ethereal beauty and the darkness that engulfs. I'm sitting by the window seating unlike other days when I'm on my study table buried into my books; nocturnal is what she calls me as I too bask in the moonlight like her and find solace in the never ending night, we are strangely similar yet dissimilar.

       I being a studious and realistic guy to the core whose only passion is studying and scoring good grades and looking at life through the lens wherein she is an epitome of an idealist and saw herself as a free bird when the reality was stark opposite.

       The November night was silent yet there is a nerve soothing melody in it that relaxes me and urges me to open the blind folds of my heart and peel a layer off myself. I being a loner most of the time prefer to dwell in solitude as it gives me a sense of tranquility, well my fellow class mates have a very different picture of me 'lonely'  is what they feel I am; they have misinterpreted but I don't feel the need to correct them; my mother is the only one who truly knows me. Life at most times has not been easy it's still not as even the basic needs are hard to avail and there are days when basic necessities are lacking as mom is the only working member of the family. Not all know this fact but my dad is bed ridden due to paralysis, I don't like to let this out openly as then people pity us; hospital expenses, medicines and even my studies leave her in a lurch yet she doesn't utter a single word and continues slogging hard for us, somewhere down the line I know this is the very reason I've lost my innocence and embraced maturity, as I've to toil my way through the hardships and you have no one to open up too and comfort you. But life changes and so do people in your life; there was a time when only my mom knew my emotional state and now she too is there, the one who has carved a special place in my heart and is there with me to comfort me and to talk to about life and it's unruly ways, when responsibilities fall on your young shoulders and at times you feel like breaking down and escaping the clutches of this crippled life that has rendered you helpless, at one point of time I did feel so.

        I stare into the black sky and look to the lord above as I'm tired of questioning destiny and God too; feel like I've reached the saturation point from where I can't help my mom nor reduce  her woes and ease her financially nor can I emotionally complete my dad. I've stopped asking Why me? nor do I say Try me! as life has tried me more than once; a near to death accident of my younger brother right in front of my eyes, dad suffering from heart stroke and being paralyzed, financial crises so much so that I even contemplated giving up my studies to support my family; had it not been mom's strong resistance and will power I would have crumpled to life's unruly demands long back yet I recoiled in my shell and became a loner and a melancholic soul. It was then that she walked in my life and awakened the long lost emotions which were seemingly dead, though it was just the arrogance and rudeness that took birth first as she tried to intrude into my personal space but slowly with the passage of time it turned into a beautiful friendship and now I call her 'my soul searched' friend. It now feels that my hope is no longer forlorn and it has re-awakened and goodwill is all around, mirth is taking birth in my gloomy home and life once again as mom too has started smiling and dad too is active though still bed ridden. Slowly things are seeming to change and sorrow is fading and joy is replacing and it's all due to her presence; she is truly 'Light in the Darkness.' 

Life take me the way you want,
And lead me to a place where no one has ever been,
Hills and Plains I'm ready to cross,
With you by my side, I can forever trod.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Hope you liked it, honest reviews are most welcome :)

Link to Next Part 

POST #2

        Disclaimer: 

                     This again is just a random post based on an incident but more like a series which will have continuity. Hope you like it ! You can go back to this as it is a part of this series too... Post #1

   POST #2

 

              

         It had been an early rise, the colour of monsoon added to the vibrant nature, yet another day of rainfall. The cool breeze swayed deliriously and the trees swirled and animals hid in their niche as the sun was busy relaxing itself behind the layers of clouds! Finally, after an hour or so, the sun slowly crawled out of it's niche and the soft, warm rays penetrated my abode with utmost ease. The birds were now chirping and the fresh flowers bloomed welcoming a new day, a new start. It was a lovely day and I sank deeper into my blanket and snuggled inside it, unlike my younger sister who stood by the window and basked in the early sunlight. I however, didn't seem to find peace in the morning like most people do, I love the night and darkness as it provides me tranquility and comfort that I want, it is far more bright, warm and cozy in comparison to the broad daylight.

         
          I hid myself deep within the blanket until darkness completely engulfed me, sleep had left long ago, though I did feel sluggish. My mind wandered and I pondered slipping into my own world, contemplating and reflecting the past and the memories. Ah! and I realize the past has washed itself with the rains and purified me; but the remnants still remained though very vague. Exams are round the corner yet, I do not study. I'm not avoiding it deliberately but I'm unable to give my heart and soul to it, although I'm no topper not even close to being a topper but an average student, still something didn't seem quite right but what? I still am unable to find the reason for the sudden chaos that has engulfed me and my concentration too is dwindling since a past few days. It is such a freaking thing that you are busy figuring out the crap math sums wherein you can't even figure out the math of your life! Ain't it true? Yes, it is indeed but then it has always been me who searches answers or is in the quest of unraveling things and also the one who has to bear the brunt and scoldings from my dad as all the praises are reserved for my younger sister; the one who is very disciplined and never lies. Well that is one outlook that no matter how much I try to change I'm unable too.

          It is not that I'm jealous of her, in fact I'm very proud of her and she is my biggest support and my strength, who loves me more than any one could possibly do apart from my mother who is no more, though she was not my real mother she loved me more than anything in this world, I don't even know who my real mother was; my dad never spoke of her nor do I intend on finding about her, for this lady alone was my mother and will always be. It does pain and hurt and my heart cries when dad accuses me of every wrong committed and leaves me all alone. They say I've chosen this path myself, is it? I've been used to hear words like, 'chatterbox' ,'whimsical' and an 'emotionless person' not only from dad but from my aunt and some friends too. They encouraged her and she excelled too, but what about me? "Oh! Tamanna, no she is good for nothing and a madcap!". These words ringed loudly in my mind as if they were just said yesterday but then they were uttered long ago. It's true, Time heals all wounds but the memories never leave your side; they are etched in my mind and so I've simply recoiled in my shell and present a facade to this world. Speak what they wish to hear and listen only that should be heard. I guess hardly anyone apart from him knows that I have a flair for writing stories and poems; that I'm an intellectual person too whose true potential is not tapped and that I love silence and also that I'm a trapped soul, trapped in my own past who fears opening up for the fear of losing.

          A sudden wave of emotions hits me and the words rush out, I grab my diary that is kept on the bedside table and pen down,

Would you tell me if you're jaded or waxed ?

Or rather you prefer calling me unique and whimsical ?

Ideas and notions, is that the reason ?

Build a shell around me and started believing in fairies;

Oh! dear child

Wake up, Wake up to the gory reality that hides;

Smiles and frowns are a part of life !

Link to Next Part: 

-Fatima

Confessions Of My Heart (Part 2)

Here I come up with my second part finally ! 

(Part 2)

"I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,

in secret, between the shadow and the soul."

        Time passes by and only memories remain. Memories are like story books and when we have quiet moments or moments of introspection and reflection that we allow them to catch up with us. I too, do the same but this is confined to only a particular set of memories; as only they have the power to stir my soul and make me feel vulnerable, yet I cannot do anything to relieve them. It's not that I've not tried, but the more I try the difficult it becomes for me to let go or maybe I do not want to let go, as they are the very basis of my existence; and I cannot even in the wildest of my dreams block them away, though in reality I try to avoid and block her as much as I can, by not only hurting her but my own self. 

        Four years ! A pretty long time to not talk to someone close. It really requires courage to maintain a calm demeanor and a tough exterior when your a mess inside; searching for answers, when you know that a certain someone holds them, that only they have the key to unlock your heart and free you from the shackles that bind you but yet you avoid them. It's been quite a time since I mused over this and the smile that tugged my lips faded into the oblivion. 

       The sun was still tugged in it's niche. It was an early Sunday morning, the wind was chilly and the weather cold. The dew was still intact on the leaves as I headed towards the beach. The shore was calm unlike my insides where things were not at all tranquil. The water gleamed and the gentle waves were bobbing up and down; being weekend there was not a single soul in sight probably people are busy catching sleep after a hectic week but I couldn't even do that and be in peace. At that moment all I wanted to do was make my way back into the woods where these thoughts would be far away from my mind so that I could contemplate my actions and justify my reasons as, Solitude is not always the solution to all your problems but at times it helps you escaping them ! But my feet refused to budge and finally I gave in and settled on the sand, eyeing the sea. The soft and gentle wind blew transporting me back and I was forced to open the closed doors of my heart.

      Life at most times had not been easy, but I had to toil and pave my way through the hardships, stay away from my loved ones to achieve things and make a place for myself in this world where losing is easy but gaining far more difficult. There have been days when sleep was far away as I had to complete my tasks; I had to do so, I couldn't run away from my responsibilities, no matter how much I wanted to take a break and breath freely. 

       It was not love at first sight for me, in-fact I didn't realize my love for her until a long time as I never really believed in love; come to think of it I'm still clueless as to when did she make a place in my heart? I remember vividly, how she never really talked to me and only gave me a shy smile and stammer while talking to me despite being a boisterous and a talkative girl, famous for her ignorance on small things and her sly smile. Some people mistook her ignorance as her naivety but somehow I couldn't as I found her to be a bit shrewd and audacious with a pinch of innocence. I was friends with her but the more I got to know her, the more I tried not going near her as I feared loosing myself in her. I being one of the most sought after guys, a heartthrob; I never really did pay attention to girls in that sense; but I was drawn to her slowly and steadily. She was a simple girl with a simple lifestyle yet she seemed to capture my heart and soul. But all was good in my world until after one year when she contacted me again, and since then life has been a roller coaster ride for me. 

       As now I saw a different girl in front of me, who had build up courage and would now talk casually to me like all my other friends. But then call it destiny or something else that is done deliberately she sneaked under my radar and was slowly getting under my skin. She always used to question me, why do I have a protective wall around me? Why am I a mystery, not that mysteries are not good but she seemed to mean something else like she was hoping to find some answers as in an unsolved riddle. What was even more shocking was that she never left those questions hanging but was in the quest to find those answers; in the hope to know me or rather her own self. It was not she who was vulnerable to me, but I was to her, she never realized perhaps I never did show. I tried hurting her, avoiding her and et al. but she persisted even that. How so badly I wanted to hold her then and speak my heart but then I just couldn't do so. I could not let her know how she affects me nor could I display the real me and my true feelings to her; and as time passed by, after trying for long, she gave in and let me go and I was free.

      But the question still lingers; am I truly free? Am I not hers and she mine? Has she really let me go? I choose to not search for these answers and leave it to time and destiny to take the decision, and this time I will accept it; though it means I've to let go and open up to her as my real self, there was no resisting anymore. 

" I love you only because it's you the one I love;

I hate you deeply and hating you.

Bend to you, and the measure of my 

changing love for you,

Is that I do not see you but 

love you blindly."

              

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

With this ends my 2nd part...Hope you like it, please give your honest reviews both comments and criticism. 

Link to Next Part: Interlude 1

-Fatima