The Void Within

There was a faint chill in the warm May air and a calm that bought a feeling of change; a change as ancient and intangible as time. 

I was lying on my bed in a pale yellow nightdress staring into the dark space. Million thoughts, one after another kept floating in my mind. Dead silence and a deep settling void were my only companion besides the empty black sky. And all I wanted to do was break free.

Good morning madame Toastmaster of the day and fellow dreamers. The year was 2010 and I was still an engineer in making. A profession I so hated that I was ready to do anything to escape it. However, there were 3 things I realised then

1. I wasn't a risk taker

2. I didn't want to disappoint my parents 

And 3. Drinking mountain Dew doesn't really help. And so the struggle continued, internally. Being in a college where everyone was happy to pursue their dream I felt like an outsider. With no one to befriend I started recoiling in my shell. Have you ever felt that? An hankering need to have a companion? A friend with whom you could be yourself, and yet they won't walk away from you. I needed that friend as I was slowly falling in the whirlpool called void. Days turned into months and December arrived, the month when I was supposed to go to my college Industrial Visit up north. I was afraid, how would I enjoy? During my two years of blogging I ended up making a lot friends. It was then for the first time ever that I talked to one on phone. 

Mishti: What's up Fatima. How are things going on? 

Me: Hi mishti Travelling! Out on a trip from college currently in Corbett heading to Nainital. 

Mishti: Wow did you see tigers? So must be excited? 

Me: Haha no tigers. Excited yes content no, I'm travelling with a group yet I'm all lost and alone there seems to be a void. 

Mishti: Try to at peace even when your emotions are bubbling on the surface. You're travelling forget mean classmates, explore the place. At the end only these moments matter, they are the ones that bridge the gap between you and I and what fills the void within.

And just like the winding roads that connected places, a connection was born.

She, I felt understood me. Instead of abandoning me, chose to stay. It's not about someone making us happy. Friends it's about who fills the void within, the emptiness that surrounds.

Times changed, I graduated, did my post graduation yes in engineering. And started working two jobs six days a week to dedicating half the Sunday to Toastmasters yet something was missing.

In spite of the fact having decided to not follow the rat race and turn into a money making monkey, I turned into one. It felt like a cat and mouse game where I was happy yet not truly content. At that moment when I was again drifting apart Toastmasters came to my rescue in form of Confluence 2016.  I  realised connections are not always supposed to be the ones that give you a high. Sometimes a connection is that soothing feeling that brings in peace and makes you feel at home. Just like the ocean was breathtakingly beautiful with the wind, stars and moon as its companions.

I found the connection within myself and in turn with everyone from MTM, I got a chance to connect to the real you Namrata, Pankaj, Prashant, Harsimran, Ravi and others outside MTM. I had gone to Goa to escape but what I found there is something which can't be expressed but only felt.

Friends remember this, "Life is a series of hits and misses and sometimes there are only dark days at a stretch. Don't lose hope or let the void overpower you, hold on. Just like the sun, that shines after a long dark night!"

-Fatima

P.S: Won Best Speaker Ribbon for this speech.

A Winter Embrace

Prelude to This

She sat on the old wooden stool, her back in a rigid posture with her fingers nimbly playing a melody on the pianoforte. It was Schubert, one of her favourites. She had always loved the rough silky texture of the black and white keys, that when felt by her delicate fingers gave birth to a world of its own.

Her fingers came to a halt as she let out a tired sigh, the piece had ended. He was too mesmerized to even applaud. It was then when she curtsied to him, that he broke out of his trance and clapped. Realizing it was nearing sundown and that they were the only ones in the small chapel, he interrupted the quiet.  

“I fear the weather has taken a turn for the ghastly. Would you like a ride home mademoiselle?” he spoke in a very aristocratic manner.

“Ah! Just the offer I was waiting for my kind sir,” she replied in earnest taking his proffered arm.
Not able to hold it any longer, she let out a giggle at their playful disposition and he joined her. Finally letting themselves out in hopes of searching some abode, safe and sound.

--*--

The weather was exceptionally colder than the last time they had met; this time they were trapped in a small inn due to the sudden snowstorm that had invaded the city. Thankful to have found this inn at some walking distance from the chapel. The wood burning in the fireplace cast a glowing amber about the room, warming it. They sat huddled together on the hard wood polished floor nestling a cup of hot chocolate to warm their insides. They were covered from head to toe, but the shivering was yet to recede as they were wet from the rains earlier and the fresh falling snow.

“I feel like trash. I thought I had one good thing in my life, so that I could start over. I didn’t know that sole being could mess me up more than anything I predicted. Each day I come across things that were mere lies. It’s sickening to know, so bad that unlike last time when I thought I was guilty I now realize I've just been a, prey.” Ayah mumbled eyeing the fireplace.

Yasin let out a frigid breath before taking a sip from his cup. He was startled by the new revelations from Ayah, when she gave him a call a month ago. Patience and time were the only keys to heal her all over again, he realized.

“You just don’t understand how to react. And it’s absolutely understandable that you’re hurting.  Your life in real was never screwed, you gave him the power to rumple it. I daresay it was messed up and confusing but never really screwed.” He responded.

“The more you care the more you suffer. Nada zilch there is nothing that gives people the right to play with someone’s feelings and heart or as a matter of fact taking for granted. I’m sorry for all the troubles I've always caused you, even when you were nursing your own broken heart you were constantly there for me. However, would I repay your kindness?” she cried in earnest.

“Is it something we shouldn’t do then? Care?” replied Yasin, in a tone of surprise and emotion, “Do not embarrass me, for rather I am glad to have been there for you, as you have been for me,” he added after a short pause.

Ayah, still being a bit distracted forged on, “I don’t know, it’s an abstract thing. Care is more important than love. You always love people who you care for but the other way round is not always true. Love can be abusive and obsessive, care cannot.” She paused letting go of the anxiety that gripped her, and forced herself to speak; “I’ve realized not to store my happiness nor sadness in people. They leave us when someone new comes along. And maybe even we leave some. It’s a fast forward world Yasin, you can’t find people waiting for you.” 

The conversation had like always reached a point of vulnerability. There was too much said, felt and left unsaid too.

“It taught me to have faith,” said he, “don’t be too sentimental nor wear your heart on your sleeve. People find it easier to exploit you then. But then again don’t become a cold stoic person, who I was on the verge of becoming. Had it not been your frank temperament and playful optimistic outlook, I would have been lost.” 

Ayah colored at that and let out a laugh as she replied, “Ah! Yes, you’ve seen me at my best and my worst too. I should not have brushed off your affections all those years ago, would have saved me the heartache.”

“I was certainly wary and devoid of wisdom. I am sure if I was more open and persistent, things would have been different. And we would have never had the misfortune to cross people who left us scarred. Then again, in retrospection I believe it was for the best. The past teaches us awfully lot, doesn’t it?” he asked in an expecting manner.

“It does, it surely does,” replied she.

Uncovering his hands from the woolen mittens and doing the same with hers, he swiftly stood up proffering his hand to her, “May I have the honor to secure the next dance? I believe it’s a waltz,” Yasin asked her politely with mischief filled eyes.

It was indeed the music for waltz that could be heard playing down in the inn ballroom. A blush rose on her cheeks as she daintily placed her hands in his, “It will be my pleasure Sir,” replied she with elation as he led her to the makeshift dance floor.

She could not help smiling at his ease with her, their delightful companionship and most of all his invaluable support and guidance in her time of need. Time passed tardily as snow covered the whole town white, welcoming bliss in the peak of winter.

-Fatima

Distance

I haven't heard from you
In five months
And twenty-eight days

The soft sigh
After a tiring day

The secret smile
That graced your face

Sometimes mirth
Other times rue

The ones I could listen
Even from miles away

I haven't heard from you
For so long
But your voice still resonates.

-Fatima

Those Sunlit Nights

Prelude to This

The sun was slowly growing dim. They were sitting on an isolated bench eyeing the frozen expanse of the sweet unsalted lake. Days like these were his favourite; snow laden mountains, chilly winds and memories. He often heard people say, winters harden your heart yet to him they bought warmth. A box of nostalgic memories leaving him barren like his favourite oak tree but wrapped in hope.

Letting out a puff of foggy breath he spoke, "Weird isn't it people could never love you, even though you gave them your everything. And still these are the very same people who eventually fall in love with another, hating you and damaging you to the core. So much damage that the world around you thinks you want love in your life; like a love affair or even marriage out of love. When in reality you are questioning love and the idea behind it, whether you will be loved or will love someone. You're scared.."  he hastily ended heaving a sigh.

She held his mitten covered palms in hers tightly not knowing what to respond. How does a grieving heart mend another? She didn't want to lie or maybe she couldn't. It was a short while later that she began speaking her voice soft,

"Sometimes you're hurt to such an extent that even though tears fall from your eyes, there is no pain in your heart. You are numb and all you feel like is to drown yourself in despair, or to hug someone tightly or if you're like me consume caffeine. But sadly none help, not a single one. Moreover the reason due to whom you're in this state, doesn't bother or maybe never did," although her voice verged the near of tears she continued, "I wish to get wet in the rains and pour out all my tears, maybe, maybe then there will be pain and the numbness subside.."

Time passed languidly as she let the tears finally fall, crying for all those moments that made her nostalgic. She cried, cried for them both and truly letting go of the past. Hugging her deeply, he embraced his present as she did hers too. The mellifluous melancholy orchestrated a symphony in cacophony as the sun lastly set.

-Fatima   

Sequel to This

Voyages to the Other Dimensions

Disclaimer:
This short story was written for IBL (Indian Bloggers League), organised by Write-Up Cafe. I represent Westerlies- Winds of Change, which is the West Zone side. This short story was selected as the best short story of West Zone and hence has been submitted for the final round.

Voyages to the Other Dimensions

I don’t know what really woke me up. Was it the eerie silence that reverberated or the soft chirping of the night birds in the distant woods? It is at times like these that I wonder about my decision to withdraw from the urban life and retreat back to the realm of nature. 

The night was bleak and the woods, cold and dark as they always were. Dead silence and endless darkness lingered with not a slight glimpse of light. It’s wearing when one hardly gets any sleep with all the long walks wandering through the woods for survival. Letting out a ragged moan I sank further into the soft wool blankets slipping into yet another fitful sleep.  

When I awoke for the second time the cold gray light of dawn was peeking through the clouds welcoming a bright new day. Running a hand through my ruffled hair I fumbled with the blankets stretching up and scanning the nearby area, blankets of dead leaves covered the surface as frigid wind blew. There was slight dampness on the ground and I realized it must have snowed when I was asleep; after all it was early November the near of winter. My thirst overruled my musings and I took a sip of water from the plastic bottle, gazing outwards the blanched forest. 

It was half past dawn, the light enough for me to sort out with my primal chores and later fix up a decent breakfast with all that I had; a cup of black tea with some biscuits as usual. Sipping the tea my mind habitually started straying to the journal I had planned on updating. My fingers automatically curled around the journal lying a few feet away. 

Feeling the contours of the old leather bound journal, I ran my fingers idly through the pages taking in the snippets I had written not so long ago. Writing was not a ritual but more of a way of preserving the memoirs of every place and emotion that touched me. I’m a wanderer and exploring the unknown is something that fuels my soul. It’s been nearly two years I left sailing to pursue the other adventurous side of me, exploring different countries intimately, meeting different people and acquainting to their diverse culture. Life is like a blank notebook waiting to be filled up, with not just memories and journeys but also with what we’ve learnt from these journeys. Sometimes they make us nostalgic with happiness, other times with anguish. 

I’m not much of a patriotic person but I’m not a misanthropic either. I’m loyal to everyone but of late I’ve realized that the world is harsher than one can imagine. It is full of people who are cold and bigoted. It hardly matters who you are or where you belong. All that matters is power; power as a means to acquire dominance in economics and politics, religious demands or making their voice heard. Terrorizing and causing fear in the minds of people who do not share the same set of belief. 

It was one such excursion three months ago where I witnessed a lone local gunman killing locals in the name of anarchism. One of my closest mate died in that attack.  It scarred me and made me question everything I ever learnt and saw. Actions define us but what about the actions that defame the very foundation of brotherhood and equality. It was a small attack, far smaller than what the world has witnessed but it made my soul recoil and all I wished at that very moment was to disappear to some place safe to clear my mind of such unpleasant thoughts. It’s difficult cutting yourself from the world but I needed something to reassure me. I’m not much of an emotional person and I cannot be diabolical by stating everyone to be the same but at the moment I didn’t expect people to understand me nor did I wish for them to empathize with me. And for that very reason I took to nature, a place where there are no people waiting with armour to attack me or slit my soul for being an outsider in their world. In a place where though I would be alone yet won’t be an intruder.   

My tea has long gone cold and my fingers held the journal loosely when a wisp of cool air blew making me shiver. The road ahead is empty stretching out miles with no sign of life apart from the occasional twittering of birds, dried flowers along the path and innumerable trees. The loneliness slowly creeps to me but there is nothing to distract me from my thoughts and I decide it’s time to move on. 

An hour later I’m on the road with my backpack. Watching the road ahead and glancing at the passing woods, I make my way to where the path may now lead me. 

Three days of continuous walking through the woods and crossing a frozen river I reached the hills of snow covered mountains. Absorbing the silence that enveloped me I let out a tired sigh sitting beside a huge rock watching the white layered mountains beneath the gray sky. It was very cold and it was then that I noticed her, wrapped in a blanket sitting in a corner of a rock. Contemplating if approaching a stranger was a good idea or not, I chose the former and made myself known. 

We sat together huddled beside the rock where I had rested. It was her, who broke the silence talking about why she was hiking in a place where hardly people ever ventured and how she never anticipated she would meet someone on this unusual trek. I sat there motionless listening to her enthusiastic chatter endlessly and observing the play of emotions that were reflected so deeply by the fire light that warmed us.

I can’t pinpoint the exact moment when I started participating in the talk nor do I remember the reason of spilling out my deepest fears to her. 

“We all have episodes in our lives that we wish to forget and it is this one time I wish to turn back. It’s almost like I don’t wish to go back to embracing my life like it was earlier. Nor can I believe that one simple act of terror has me so immobilised that I have retreated from the mortal world. Or is it the fact that my friend succumbed to such an act of terror that has affected me I know not. It is almost like my faith that people are not prejudiced has absolved” I spoke in an almost hushed and puzzled tone.   

She was quiet for a while almost like waiting for the true impact of the words to seep in. She replied after long her tone kind, “I don’t think I’ve ever been in that place. Besides, one should view things from a different perspective. Apart from the healers who treat you contrary to the people who’ve harmed you. There are plenty of people still there who care, are there not?” she looked at me curiously before continuing, “We all seek companionship. It almost feels like one cannot exist without it. Everyone has their shares of trauma but that doesn’t mean that you run away. Agreed there are moments that may remind you of them but you’ve got to be strong and face them.”

I pondered for a while staring at the dark wide starless sky before letting my thoughts known. “Have you ever wondered that sometimes all one can do is continue living like nothing happened reassuring oneself that things might change. Or the other alternative could be retreating back, musing what happened and trying to let go of the dread before heading forward.”

She sighed. Looking at me she spoke, “I know where you are coming from. But there are times when we can’t stop things from happening, no matter how ghastly they are. Change is inevitable. Things happen in our life over which we have no control but to maintain our sanity we have to let go of them and move ahead. We can’t turn time back and reverse the loss but we can move forward and help others who need nursing and care. It is one thing to withdraw from everyone for a while but another to lose oneself in self pity and misery forever.”

Silence was our only companion for a long time. She didn’t know why but she spoke one last time before retiring for the night, “I’m a healer and I will always nurse people back to their health and fulfil my destiny. Now it is up to you whether you wish to linger in the depths of nature protecting yourself subconsciously or retreating back to the normal world and bring about a change no matter how small.”

Extinguishing the fire enshrouded in the thick veil of darkness, I finally let go of the burden on my heart embracing change.

Sliding Doors

It was my last day at work, the place that was akin to my second home. Tears welled up in my eyes as I started gathering my belongings in a small cardboard box. So many memories bundled into one but none that I could cherish any longer.

From being an article trainee to becoming a full time Chartered Accountant; it was at this very office that my career shaped up. This is where I attained success and accolades for my upbeat performance. But my hard-work and hard-earned success suddenly didn’t matter as I looked around the room, staring at the faces of my fellow colleagues. Some were sad while the majority of them were averting their gazes while some silently talked amongst themselves.

“I feel so sorry for Aliyah, poor girl what was her mistake but then again we can’t let her roam freely around us too can we? What if, even we fall victim to it?”

Life seems smooth on the surface at one moment but one never knows the undercurrents below and when they finally surface out, you are left in a whirlpool of emotions with no place to go. Just an accident and a blood transfusion cost me everything. My career was over, my dreams shattered. And people who were my life, friends and family too grew distant.

Sighing softly I wondered would it have been any different, had I not been an HIV+? There were a million thoughts racing in my mind to which I had no answers; is the society really fair like it preaches to be and does it let everyone live in peace? To me it didn’t look impartial anymore and I felt as if I was living in an illusion all these years.

For days I kept myself locked in the confines of my home, roamed streets like a lost soul. Was I guilty and are people really ignorant? But it wasn’t my mistake then why was I being blamed? A million questions plagued me and I was drowning in pools of depression. I tried to see past everything but the tears came down stronger and the reality of my situation came crashing down on me like a nightmare. 

The days passed slowly, maybe even months had gone by and eventually I lost count of them. Thoughts of what-if ran in my mind like an infinite loop and I couldn’t find a way out. Once I even wished to end my life but I didn’t have the courage when I thought of my parents whom I still loved. With nothing much to do I cast the shadow of doubt and decided to venture out of my home for long walks. It was during one such walk that I stumbled across an NGO that counseled people like me. At first I was hesitant to approach them as fear cobbled me down but after a mental talk that I could not ruin myself more I enrolled, where I was given both proper medicinal guidance and counseling. And it was there that I first met Yasin; he too like me was HIV+ and was a counselor there. Meeting Yasin was the best thing to happen to me, he was the first person I befriended and talked freely in months and surprisingly he was both caring and a pillar of strength.

Time passed by but the struggles and hardships didn’t end. I worked in the NGO at morning managing the accounts and taught underprivileged children at another NGO in evening, glad that at least not everyone shunned people like me to make ends meet in this hostile society. For the next two years I survived in terrible economic hardships without the help from friends and family saving as much money as possible. I was not aloof to my medical condition and knew only money could help in time of need.

A year later Yasin suggested that I not let go of my dreams and start a small Chartered Accountancy firm. Though the idea seemed too far-fetched at that time it was not impossible. Then again setting up the company was not an easy job; there were several pitfalls. Right from renting a room, to the bank sanctioning the loan, hiring employees and getting clients. But recruiting employees was the hardest task not only was I a woman but an HIV+ woman and so, many shunned me. The West was comparatively more accepting but it felt like the society I was raised in didn’t want to see things from a different perspective. And it was at times like these when all I wanted to do was give up. But with Yasin’s support and help from NGO’s I started believing in myself and my dream again. Slowly but steadily the times changed, the society, my family accepted us and we finally made a place for ourselves.

Today Ten years later I can’t believe I’m standing on the podium of the college I graduated from receiving the “Inspirational Entrepreneur Award.”  To say I’m not proud of my achievements and my husband Yasin’s faith in me would be an understatement. When the world was against me and I had lost all hopes, he was the one who harbored faith in me and encouraged my dream. I would like to thank the medical science for their advancement and their efforts in igniting the minds of people. Also a heart-felt Thank You to Yasin for supporting me always and my two year old daughter who has brightened my life.

Last but not the least I would end my talk by saying, “Don’t be disappointed or afraid that you are different but work towards your goal with utmost dedication and your dreams will come true.”

I wish to get my story published in Chicken Soup for the Indian Entrepreneurs Soul in association with BlogAdda.com

P.S: Proof read by Eon. Thank You so much !

Kuch Ankahee Baatein...

NOTE: This is guest blog post I wrote for Nelton D'Souza's blog Just A Minute Here's the link to the post http://justamin.blogspot.in/2013/01/kuch-ankhaee-baatein.html


Something in Urdu for a change or rather something written by me apart from reviews and all after long for a change. :)

**
Jazbat aise hue hamse khafa

Hume toh laga hum askho ko hi bhul gae..

Dil mei unki yaadon k sahare,

Hooton pe muskan aur zindagi mei tanhayee

Liye hum yunhi chalte rahe..

Jab ek roz unse nazre mili..

Woh andheka kar ke chale gae..

Uss din dil roya

Aur aankon se aasu beh gaye..

**
woh kehte hai bhula dena mujhe,

na humsafar hun na hamnava,
teri zindagi mei ek rahi hoon..
kal tha kal kya pata...

**

Ek raat aisi aae hai,

Jab teri yaad satae hai…

Andhero mei ghum

Aankhen hai num..

Dhundli hai manzil..

Lekin tanhae hai sang..

Aaj phir ek raat aisi aae hai..

Jab teri yaad dil ko satae hai…

Passion Colours Everything !

Passion Colours Everything !

Could I gain thy love tonight?

Could I hold you tight?

And never let you outta my sight...

And walk down the aisle in white !

Waking up in the middle of the night,

I fear losing you even in my dreams,

Don't drift apart my love...

Or else I'll be lost in this eventide !

Tears stream down my cheek...

Mumbling inconceivable words...

I cling to you like a child,

Not letting you leave my sight...

You peck my cheeks,

You kiss my lips,

You hold me close,

And soothe my ruffled soul...

You feel my sorrow,

You feel my pain,

Even in your despair,

You cajole me and ease my fear...

Slowly the clock ticks by...

And the solemnity sweeps away,

Life now sounds melodious...

As love and joy gleam in my eyes !

-Fatima 

P.S: Wishing you a very happy and prosperous New Year Guys...Hope you have a fun filled and exciting year ahead...Take Care !

Brewing Desires!

Brewing Desires!

Though it was too early but she had nothing to do, being Sunday the whole day was spent idly doing chores she didn’t wish to do or reading novels. She thought of preparing an early dinner humming soft songs, she was stirring pots on one hand and kneading the dough on the other almost ready with the dinner. It was time for him to be back home when the winds started blowing and the clouds gathered and it felt that it could rain any minute; when she remembered that some of the clothes were left on the roof and went to fetch them.

The wind blew rashly and it was seemingly difficult to manage her sari and locks of hair that flew. In fleeting seconds the rain started falling in sheets and the very reason of collecting clothes was long forgotten. Lost in her own world she began dancing drenching to the core and reveling in the rains.  

The smell of earth, the thundering clouds and the dark sky with the droplets slashing the window and wallowing trees engulfed her and she basked like a kid.

Her sky blue cotton sari had clung to her like second skin becoming almost see-through with her wet hair cascading down her back. The sound of her bangles and anklets sounded like sweet melody as the bittersweet symphony reverberated throughout. 

This is how he found her when he reached the rooftop himself drenched from the rains and the tiredness in him slowly started seeping away. He was bewitched with his patience slipping away as he watched her from a distance hoping to catch her attention but all in vain. Slowly yet steadily he walked towards her hugging her wet form from behind, when he heard her gasp.

“Zaid”, she stiffened at first but then relaxed in his hold as she recognized the touch and let her head slump back to his shoulders, “When did you come? I didn’t expect you this soon!” 

 “Hmm…just some moments ago”, he replied all the while burying his face in the crook of her neck nuzzling and inhaling her scent. She could feel his warmth all around her and his heartbeats going intense even in that splattering rain. 

She tried to escape his hold and run but he buckled her back to himself holding her securely over the stomach by one hand while he entwined the other with hers.

“Let me go the clothes are soaking”, she pleaded her voice heavy and laden with helplessness and desire. She questioned herself, how could he manage to snap her self-control within seconds and that too just about every time but she never got an answer. 

Instead of leaving her or replying to her, he pressed his body more into her gently trailing his fingers down the entire length of her. The flimsy excuse of the sari she wore did nothing to help; neither did it conceal nor reveal yet it aroused him in ways and made him do things. She felt herself going weak and bit her lips to hold back the moan that threatened to escape.  

He slowly turned her towards him, brushing her hair aside cupping her reddened cheeks kissing her closed eyes and brushed his lips against hers. She fluttered her eyelashes, his gaze intoxicating a mixture of both love and lust that she could no longer resist. She hugged him closely giving herself completely wrapping her arms around his waist kissing his heart.

In one swift move, he lifted her in his arms and raced towards the bedroom with a teasing smile as she buried her face in his shoulder.

The clothes lay where they were long forgotten and the rain got more intense and thunderous with each passing minute.    

-Fatima

Post #8

Post #8

A continuation from this series...Post #7 

It was a cold rainy night with the rustling of leaves and sweet murmurs of the nearby stream, sitting beside each other they tried to put an end to the intense longing that quelled their heart and soul but words faltered and sentences broke even before escaping the confines of their heart. It seemed like an eternity had elapsed as none spoke and silence lingered with a melody of its own. Turning towards her with a gleam in his eyes entwining her fingers with his own he took her lips in his for a searing kiss as ecstasy filled the air and all faded in the desolate hour of night. 

P.S: 

With this I come to an end of this series...But as they say, "Every end is a new beginning !"

I hope you guys liked it and could connect to it...  :)

-Fatima

Paper is Patient than Man !!

Paper is Patient than Man !!

At this moment instead of penning down this write up which technically isn’t a write up but just an emotional vent out, I should be doing my mid-term seminar report whose submission is due tomorrow but somehow I just can’t concentrate on the task at hand and ended up crying now that’s really silly of me….lol I can’t believe I was unable to cry some days back and now I’m crying as if some tragedy has befallen me…

So much so that I’ve distanced myself from people whom I call friends, hardly feel like talking to them though none may agree to it coz I still keep on chattering non-stop and the reason is I don’t want those guys to worry about me…on a serious note I really dunno how many of them really and actually care..but it doesn’t matter anymore you see…and even the fact that I hardly feel like socializing and meeting buddies, I can’t avoid the ones I meet everyday can I ?? Hell no, if I do so I’ll be labeled as Anti-Social and hey I can’t even bear that tag…messed up you see…

I’m such a tube light at times…A friend of mine had requested me to write a poem on Independence Day..but I got so stuck up in work that I forgot about it until today morning…I felt like I wish I had taken some time out from the hectic schedule for myself and written something what’s the point in running away...but was I really running away I dunno ?? If, yes then from whom myself or the world….guess me only I don’t really care about the world anymore apart from the people who make my world and are a part of it…and I really miss some of them though lemme be true to you…there are barely 3-4 people who comprise in my little world :) and I love them to the core..they are those who I call my friends….on Saturday I was missing one of them as it was Rakshabhandan and today like always I’m missing one such friend a lot, doesn’t mean I don’t miss others but sometimes its someone specific and that feeling just can’t be expressed or explained, Absence and Distance does make the heart grow fonder…earlier just quoted it for the sake of it and now believe it… wonderful !!

I very well know all that’s written over here doesn’t make any sense at least it does to me at this moment dunno about if this will make sense, when this phase passes….but I guess that’s the way it is…and why to keep things bottled up in your heart and trouble your own self…best to let it out in words… In fact, somewhere I’m really happy this is my first blog post made from my lappy though it doesn’t truly reflect me but just a glimpse of my emotions that have been running high since quite a time…

 I dunno why but I’m having this urge to share some three line verse I had written long long back at the end of this post…I really dunno if it’ll make sense as the end note but doesn’t matter does it ?? So here they go,

“Your stole my words before I could speak, 
Shattered my heart even before I could cherish my feelings…

And now I’m only left with forlorn hope.”

                                                                                                                 

Finally feeling good to have let out….in deed Paper is Patient than Man!

-Fatima

P.S: I know I'm being too lazy and I din comment or as a matter of fact have not read any of the recent blog post...but I hope to read them soon.

Love

Love

Love is not You and Me,

Nor is love glancing and a passing phase,

Love is Now and Forever,

As love is We! 

-Fatima

P.S: A happy happy one after long... :)

Symphony of the silent night !

A continuation from this series...Moments(Post #5)

Symphony of the silent night !

(Post # 6)

 

It was a cool night after a scorching day, she was sitting by the sea face on the concrete pavement eyeing the vast expanse of sea before her. The full moon was in shades of dull light yellow and playing hide and seek with the dark black clouds that adorned the starry sky, the weather was pleasant after the city was hit by showers an hour or so back... She sat there hugging her knees resting her chin on them. She seemed to be tranquil on the front but was feeling a mess inside, the silent winds sent shrills down her spine resurrecting the buried pain and emotions and a tear trickled from the corner of her eye making its way down her cherry cheeks clouding her eyes, yet she sat unmoved lost in her own reverie.

Sitting on a lone bench,

Eyeing the splendid sea...

The gushing sound of waves,

Brings back some memories to me !

The ardour of rains,

And the calmness of breeze,

Makes me want to believe...

You too care for me !

On days when I fear,

I wish you were there to hold me...

But all I can do is...

Hold back my tears still loving thee.

Neither can I deny,

Nor can I accept,

Yet at times like these...

My heart wishes you too loved me !

Breaking from her trance she realized they were just like the shore and the sea; neither can they be together nor apart but at some point they do meet and at times, wait is the only hope you have. Thinking so she let out a sigh and gathered herself, she was a strong girl and she had to be one for them...she could just not loose hope and cry...maybe love was not meant to be but friendship forever! Saying so to herself she walked home with a smile though her eyes had a different tale to tell.

-Fatima 

P.S: Image courtesy google

Link to Next Part

....Jaane Anjaane....

....Jaane Anjaane....

Bewafa na mein, bewafa na woh...

Zindagi ke mele mein,

Pyaar ke khel mein,

Tanhan hoon mein, tanhan hai woh....

Phool aur kaantein,

Raastein mein beche hai dono...

Girte sambhalte aapni manzil ki aur chalte,

Bahar aur patjhad ke jaise hum milte bichadte...

Zindagi ke iss khel mein,

Anjaan se safar mein,

Tanhan hoon mein...

Najaane kaisa hai woh?

-Fatima

P.S: A poem in Urdu after long back though its a bit small...hope you guys like it, will wait for your comments as well as constructive criticism as always... :)

Lonesome Seasons….

Lonesome Seasons...

March, April and May;

Hoping the sunshine will brighten the day.

Sunrays disperse themselves in the sky,

Unclogging the gloom obscuring the view,

Still contented, she smiles and sways…

As the sun blazes in the noon’s of May!

June, July and August;

Wishing the showers will wash the pain away.

The rainbow peeks through the sky,

Giving her hope, he will soon come home…

Longing and praying for his arrival,

Every year June just passes by!

September, October and November;

Reminiscing the memories buried deep within the heart.

Faded and crumpled, she lies

Just like the leaves beneath the sky…

Enamored and enchanted by his aura,

The November mist slowly glides!

December, January and February;

Waiting for love to gently course its way.

Basking in the subtle sun,

And enclosing the surging emotions,

She tries to elude bouts of melancholy…

In the cold and dark December nights!

Yet not living in an illusion,

Nor waiting for life to turn into a fairy tale…

She smiles with her heart and says,

I still love and live life, come what may!

-Fatima

P.S: The condition of people waiting for their loved ones back home when they are away for months or years at a stretch....

Dream Of You !

Dream Of You ! 

Sounds of the bittersweet melody,

Resonates deep within my soul...
As I lay there hoping for warmth after the coldness has gone.
I know it ain't the case and I shouldn't expect,

As I know I've blown all the chances that've come my way,

Yet there is a forlorn hope, that you truly didn't walk away....

You gave me hope, you gave me joy...

You were my light at the end of the night,

Time passed by and days too rolled

Yet there is a question that still looms...

Why did you teach me to walk again? 

When you were to leave me crumpled all alone on my own....

It's not that I did not try,

A little more time is all that I needed

Or maybe just a bit of love would have done...

I was just too scared to confess and too insecure to lose,

Lost and confused is what I was back then,

Yet it was me who had to choose.

I dunno why I still love you?

When all I should do is try to forget you....

I'm not stalking nor am I insane,

But I just can't seem to let go...

Wearing a smile on my face and a frown in my heart...

I lead my life in thy memoirs....

-Fatima

Recluse.....

But I know it ain't that easy,

To cry in the night and wear a smile in morn,

I sigh and let out a small plea to the God above,

To help me forget and move on......

And give me strength to trod all alone....

 

P.S: I'm not moaning neither am I whining nor do I wish for sympathy or pity like some people may accuse me of, I'm just letting out trying to pour.......

-Fatima

Kuch Alfaz !

This time round I'm feeling like letting out my poetic side in Urdu come out...so here are some shayri's by me...

Please give me your honest reviews if at all you like them, many people don't like work written in Urdu....Hope it turns out to be false :)

These are three different shayri's written during different phases of my life and all of them signify a lot to me....not mere work but something much more than that !

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tod k vaade tum yun gayee,

   Jazbaaton ko bhi saath le gayee,

   Na aah nikli, na ek aasu baha;

   Aisi tum tanhayee de gayee.....

---***---

 Uss chahat ko hum chahat ka naam kaise de...??...

   Jisse hum chahkar bhi chaah nahi sakte...

---***---

 Tanha hai lekin iss tanhayee mein bhi tera saath hai,

   Sitaaron se jagmagati yeh kaali raat hai,

   Na manzil hai na thekana ai humsafar...

   Lekin iss matlabi duniya mein phir bhi tumhara saath hai. 

---***---

-Fatima

Love.....Is It ??

Love.....Is It ?? 

"For one human being to love another is perhaps the most difficult of our tasks; the ultimate, the last test and proof; the work for which all other work is but preparation."

~ Rainer Maria Rilke

Off lately my thoughts seem to revolve around love, yes love nothing new yet it is! I've been coming across several magazines and articles and they all seem to concern about relationships and how...How to make a woman fall in love with you and vice-versa and some other relating to this matter! And then one fine day just out of the blue or after just one meeting you pronounce "This is the one".  

Well quite a time since I mused over this subject, as I literally had drowned myself in melancholy and left no place for love in my life; well don't know if this is entirely true or just another fiction of my mind that it has cooked up to not accept the harsh realities of life or otherwise. Since all I do is that and not let out the true things that are hidden deep within, with this one I just hope to know myself more. I guess I should stop rambling though I know its all haywire and vague but that's the way it is, let me just begin before you run away.

I wonder really wonder now-a-days if, most people out here have any damn idea what love really means? Or feel its endless depth and flights of infinite passion. I am no one to comment on this fact, because I fear believing in love or rather I fear accepting love out loud, reasons still unknown to me but what I do know, believe and truly feel is that love is more of emotions and understanding. Some of my friends might be shocked reading this as just two days back I was fighting with myself over the existence of love and doubting it to the fullest when my heart knew love does exist and hence this post, coming back to where I was. In an age of  instant gratification and casual sex and one night stands or rather just a casual fling where love is more about physical presence, gifts and constant conversing with each other rather than emotional and a spiritual connect, would they accept years of separation and hardships, minimal meeting...let alone conversing with each other and just a faint chance of being united? Not to mention there are people who endure all this but it's quite rare, ain't it? 

The recent trend being "Break k Baad" or rather "Move On" (Fast Track :D) be a better option? Asked a friend some days back to whom I didn't talk for long..."How is it between you and your boyfriend?" The instant answer that popped up was, Ah! We broke up some 2 months back....when 2 months back she claimed He is the One...my-o-my !! And when the subject of conversation is me...my friends remark; forget him, move on you'll meet someone else and so on......What I don't get is, how do you stop loving someone so damn fast? If, my friends if at all read this they're gonna bash me up, though I know they won't read as most of the times they find my write ups esp. the ones on Love to be ludicrous as they feel I don't believe a word of what I write and all...and maybe some might even stop talking to me saying, you think we are like this? This is our view on love? but hello I'm just saying in general nothing personal. But keeping that apart where was I? yep, Do these people really know what love is, the sacrifice and the pains it invariably demands or the passion and zeal that keeps you trudging till the end? Maybe I'm sounding ludicrous to some but then even I agree on this that when love is painful and abusive its advisable to move away but just minor disagreements and not giving time or freedom... no freedom is not the correct word say just the slight signs of troubles and the relationship is snapped. "Forever" is mere weeks or months!

And that is the very reason my confusion and fear for love takes birth, nevertheless I love and that too wholeheartedly though it remains unrequited! Call me mad or just a person who is stalking someone and not truly loving and caring or label my love as infatuation or anything else as a matter of fact, but I can't deny my love though it means just silently loving knowing that person will maybe never reciprocate coz, I know and believe that there will hardly be anyone will truly understand me and my love and the extent of my love and without knowing just label it call me whimsical and what not...but does it matter? No, doesn't matter anymore as I'm tired of fighting and now I just want to lead myself to where my love and my destiny takes me. On an ending note I'm reminded of the words by Jimmie Davis and Charles Mitchell, 

"You are my sunshine,

My only sunshine....

You make me happy,

When the skies are Grey;

You'll never know dear

How much I love you,

Please don't take my sunshine away!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

-Fatima