Colloquy in Cold

Prelude to this

It was nearing eventide, the quaint cafe at the end of the cobblestone road was nearly vacated. A band of youngsters were crooning to some soft acoustic music filling the café with mellow notes.

She was sitting across him nestling a cup of warm black coffee in the confines of her mitten covered palms. Winters, coffee, conversations and them, they were the only things that remained unchanged in a sea of time, careers and friendships. The only ones they looked forward to every year.  One thing led to another, and laughter breezed through them.

"I suspect highly that sharing our feelings make us raw to being vulnerable. It’s better to not share because sometimes, some things are best locked in the crevices of our hearts and minds. You know it is not good when someone knows us to the point of vulnerability. It’s like they can exploit you and you can’t even put a stop to it," Ayah swift-ed the chat.

Having known each other for the past eight years he was not at all surprised by the sudden change in conversation. Yasin nibbled the last of his biscuit before reciprocating back to her.

"Sometimes you let people know you, and you do that to fight your own loneliness. Some might say, I prefer my solitude but aren't they the same people whose face lights up in the company of others. Aren't they susceptible to vulnerability? The smile that brightens their moment gives away more than words ever can. You know you aren't really vulnerable until you let yourself be."

"I wish I could hug you, but we both know how afraid I am. Afraid to trust someone all over again," she responded softly continuing to gaze outside seeing the rain loudly lashing the window pane.    

-Fatima

Part II

Deep Within

I lay there wide awake..

Bathing in the pearly light of the moon..

Trying hard to bind myself in shackles..

And hold my heart in a cage..

But yet again today looking at the starlit sky..

Tears slowly stream down my face

As my heart whispers your name..

-Fatima

P.S: Blogging after really long time, feels good to write here again!

Rainbow..

The clouds have cleared 

And the sun now shines

With you standing by my side 

My soul is free from misery.

Voyages to the Other Dimensions

Disclaimer:
This short story was written for IBL (Indian Bloggers League), organised by Write-Up Cafe. I represent Westerlies- Winds of Change, which is the West Zone side. This short story was selected as the best short story of West Zone and hence has been submitted for the final round.

Voyages to the Other Dimensions

I don’t know what really woke me up. Was it the eerie silence that reverberated or the soft chirping of the night birds in the distant woods? It is at times like these that I wonder about my decision to withdraw from the urban life and retreat back to the realm of nature. 

The night was bleak and the woods, cold and dark as they always were. Dead silence and endless darkness lingered with not a slight glimpse of light. It’s wearing when one hardly gets any sleep with all the long walks wandering through the woods for survival. Letting out a ragged moan I sank further into the soft wool blankets slipping into yet another fitful sleep.  

When I awoke for the second time the cold gray light of dawn was peeking through the clouds welcoming a bright new day. Running a hand through my ruffled hair I fumbled with the blankets stretching up and scanning the nearby area, blankets of dead leaves covered the surface as frigid wind blew. There was slight dampness on the ground and I realized it must have snowed when I was asleep; after all it was early November the near of winter. My thirst overruled my musings and I took a sip of water from the plastic bottle, gazing outwards the blanched forest. 

It was half past dawn, the light enough for me to sort out with my primal chores and later fix up a decent breakfast with all that I had; a cup of black tea with some biscuits as usual. Sipping the tea my mind habitually started straying to the journal I had planned on updating. My fingers automatically curled around the journal lying a few feet away. 

Feeling the contours of the old leather bound journal, I ran my fingers idly through the pages taking in the snippets I had written not so long ago. Writing was not a ritual but more of a way of preserving the memoirs of every place and emotion that touched me. I’m a wanderer and exploring the unknown is something that fuels my soul. It’s been nearly two years I left sailing to pursue the other adventurous side of me, exploring different countries intimately, meeting different people and acquainting to their diverse culture. Life is like a blank notebook waiting to be filled up, with not just memories and journeys but also with what we’ve learnt from these journeys. Sometimes they make us nostalgic with happiness, other times with anguish. 

I’m not much of a patriotic person but I’m not a misanthropic either. I’m loyal to everyone but of late I’ve realized that the world is harsher than one can imagine. It is full of people who are cold and bigoted. It hardly matters who you are or where you belong. All that matters is power; power as a means to acquire dominance in economics and politics, religious demands or making their voice heard. Terrorizing and causing fear in the minds of people who do not share the same set of belief. 

It was one such excursion three months ago where I witnessed a lone local gunman killing locals in the name of anarchism. One of my closest mate died in that attack.  It scarred me and made me question everything I ever learnt and saw. Actions define us but what about the actions that defame the very foundation of brotherhood and equality. It was a small attack, far smaller than what the world has witnessed but it made my soul recoil and all I wished at that very moment was to disappear to some place safe to clear my mind of such unpleasant thoughts. It’s difficult cutting yourself from the world but I needed something to reassure me. I’m not much of an emotional person and I cannot be diabolical by stating everyone to be the same but at the moment I didn’t expect people to understand me nor did I wish for them to empathize with me. And for that very reason I took to nature, a place where there are no people waiting with armour to attack me or slit my soul for being an outsider in their world. In a place where though I would be alone yet won’t be an intruder.   

My tea has long gone cold and my fingers held the journal loosely when a wisp of cool air blew making me shiver. The road ahead is empty stretching out miles with no sign of life apart from the occasional twittering of birds, dried flowers along the path and innumerable trees. The loneliness slowly creeps to me but there is nothing to distract me from my thoughts and I decide it’s time to move on. 

An hour later I’m on the road with my backpack. Watching the road ahead and glancing at the passing woods, I make my way to where the path may now lead me. 

Three days of continuous walking through the woods and crossing a frozen river I reached the hills of snow covered mountains. Absorbing the silence that enveloped me I let out a tired sigh sitting beside a huge rock watching the white layered mountains beneath the gray sky. It was very cold and it was then that I noticed her, wrapped in a blanket sitting in a corner of a rock. Contemplating if approaching a stranger was a good idea or not, I chose the former and made myself known. 

We sat together huddled beside the rock where I had rested. It was her, who broke the silence talking about why she was hiking in a place where hardly people ever ventured and how she never anticipated she would meet someone on this unusual trek. I sat there motionless listening to her enthusiastic chatter endlessly and observing the play of emotions that were reflected so deeply by the fire light that warmed us.

I can’t pinpoint the exact moment when I started participating in the talk nor do I remember the reason of spilling out my deepest fears to her. 

“We all have episodes in our lives that we wish to forget and it is this one time I wish to turn back. It’s almost like I don’t wish to go back to embracing my life like it was earlier. Nor can I believe that one simple act of terror has me so immobilised that I have retreated from the mortal world. Or is it the fact that my friend succumbed to such an act of terror that has affected me I know not. It is almost like my faith that people are not prejudiced has absolved” I spoke in an almost hushed and puzzled tone.   

She was quiet for a while almost like waiting for the true impact of the words to seep in. She replied after long her tone kind, “I don’t think I’ve ever been in that place. Besides, one should view things from a different perspective. Apart from the healers who treat you contrary to the people who’ve harmed you. There are plenty of people still there who care, are there not?” she looked at me curiously before continuing, “We all seek companionship. It almost feels like one cannot exist without it. Everyone has their shares of trauma but that doesn’t mean that you run away. Agreed there are moments that may remind you of them but you’ve got to be strong and face them.”

I pondered for a while staring at the dark wide starless sky before letting my thoughts known. “Have you ever wondered that sometimes all one can do is continue living like nothing happened reassuring oneself that things might change. Or the other alternative could be retreating back, musing what happened and trying to let go of the dread before heading forward.”

She sighed. Looking at me she spoke, “I know where you are coming from. But there are times when we can’t stop things from happening, no matter how ghastly they are. Change is inevitable. Things happen in our life over which we have no control but to maintain our sanity we have to let go of them and move ahead. We can’t turn time back and reverse the loss but we can move forward and help others who need nursing and care. It is one thing to withdraw from everyone for a while but another to lose oneself in self pity and misery forever.”

Silence was our only companion for a long time. She didn’t know why but she spoke one last time before retiring for the night, “I’m a healer and I will always nurse people back to their health and fulfil my destiny. Now it is up to you whether you wish to linger in the depths of nature protecting yourself subconsciously or retreating back to the normal world and bring about a change no matter how small.”

Extinguishing the fire enshrouded in the thick veil of darkness, I finally let go of the burden on my heart embracing change.

Sliding Doors

It was my last day at work, the place that was akin to my second home. Tears welled up in my eyes as I started gathering my belongings in a small cardboard box. So many memories bundled into one but none that I could cherish any longer.

From being an article trainee to becoming a full time Chartered Accountant; it was at this very office that my career shaped up. This is where I attained success and accolades for my upbeat performance. But my hard-work and hard-earned success suddenly didn’t matter as I looked around the room, staring at the faces of my fellow colleagues. Some were sad while the majority of them were averting their gazes while some silently talked amongst themselves.

“I feel so sorry for Aliyah, poor girl what was her mistake but then again we can’t let her roam freely around us too can we? What if, even we fall victim to it?”

Life seems smooth on the surface at one moment but one never knows the undercurrents below and when they finally surface out, you are left in a whirlpool of emotions with no place to go. Just an accident and a blood transfusion cost me everything. My career was over, my dreams shattered. And people who were my life, friends and family too grew distant.

Sighing softly I wondered would it have been any different, had I not been an HIV+? There were a million thoughts racing in my mind to which I had no answers; is the society really fair like it preaches to be and does it let everyone live in peace? To me it didn’t look impartial anymore and I felt as if I was living in an illusion all these years.

For days I kept myself locked in the confines of my home, roamed streets like a lost soul. Was I guilty and are people really ignorant? But it wasn’t my mistake then why was I being blamed? A million questions plagued me and I was drowning in pools of depression. I tried to see past everything but the tears came down stronger and the reality of my situation came crashing down on me like a nightmare. 

The days passed slowly, maybe even months had gone by and eventually I lost count of them. Thoughts of what-if ran in my mind like an infinite loop and I couldn’t find a way out. Once I even wished to end my life but I didn’t have the courage when I thought of my parents whom I still loved. With nothing much to do I cast the shadow of doubt and decided to venture out of my home for long walks. It was during one such walk that I stumbled across an NGO that counseled people like me. At first I was hesitant to approach them as fear cobbled me down but after a mental talk that I could not ruin myself more I enrolled, where I was given both proper medicinal guidance and counseling. And it was there that I first met Yasin; he too like me was HIV+ and was a counselor there. Meeting Yasin was the best thing to happen to me, he was the first person I befriended and talked freely in months and surprisingly he was both caring and a pillar of strength.

Time passed by but the struggles and hardships didn’t end. I worked in the NGO at morning managing the accounts and taught underprivileged children at another NGO in evening, glad that at least not everyone shunned people like me to make ends meet in this hostile society. For the next two years I survived in terrible economic hardships without the help from friends and family saving as much money as possible. I was not aloof to my medical condition and knew only money could help in time of need.

A year later Yasin suggested that I not let go of my dreams and start a small Chartered Accountancy firm. Though the idea seemed too far-fetched at that time it was not impossible. Then again setting up the company was not an easy job; there were several pitfalls. Right from renting a room, to the bank sanctioning the loan, hiring employees and getting clients. But recruiting employees was the hardest task not only was I a woman but an HIV+ woman and so, many shunned me. The West was comparatively more accepting but it felt like the society I was raised in didn’t want to see things from a different perspective. And it was at times like these when all I wanted to do was give up. But with Yasin’s support and help from NGO’s I started believing in myself and my dream again. Slowly but steadily the times changed, the society, my family accepted us and we finally made a place for ourselves.

Today Ten years later I can’t believe I’m standing on the podium of the college I graduated from receiving the “Inspirational Entrepreneur Award.”  To say I’m not proud of my achievements and my husband Yasin’s faith in me would be an understatement. When the world was against me and I had lost all hopes, he was the one who harbored faith in me and encouraged my dream. I would like to thank the medical science for their advancement and their efforts in igniting the minds of people. Also a heart-felt Thank You to Yasin for supporting me always and my two year old daughter who has brightened my life.

Last but not the least I would end my talk by saying, “Don’t be disappointed or afraid that you are different but work towards your goal with utmost dedication and your dreams will come true.”

I wish to get my story published in Chicken Soup for the Indian Entrepreneurs Soul in association with BlogAdda.com

P.S: Proof read by Eon. Thank You so much !